OLYMPIC NEWS IN BRIEF:

Jessica Ennis crowned World’s biggest home-wrecker - 2.3 million infatuated men and women leave their wives and husbands on Sunday morning.

Public Sector workers furious at the use of volunteers at London 2012 – the sight of thousands of people working happily for the benefit of the people and expecting nothing in return is said to be indirectly defamatory.

World Records tumble at the Greenwich Arena – the record for the largest number of paedophiles in a room is broken five times during the Women’s gymnastics.

Public-sector enemy number one.....

US COACH ACCUSES CHINESE ATHLETE OF BEING AN ALIEN

Following the allegations made by World Swimming Coaches Association Director, John Leonard, suggesting that Chinese swimmer Ye Shiwen’s gold medal-winning performance may have been the result of doping; Olympic organisers at London 2012 were quick to come to her defence – saying that she has been regularly tested at the Games, each time passing as clean.

Leonard, who has worked for the US Swimming Team at six Olympic games, refused to acknowledge that his accusation was simply ‘sour-grapes’; owing to China’s success at London 2012 and the apparent re-positioning of the world sporting-order.

“Look, if she ain’t on drugs, there is only one explanation,” said a furious Leonard, scowling at every Chinese person that walked past, “She’s got to be an alien.”

Leonard went on to describe how it is impossible that the Chinese academies could produce such results – highlighting that “No human alive should be able to swim the last 50m faster than Ryan Lochtie – let alone some Chinese chick.”

Leonard then explained that his position on extra-terrestrials competing in the Olympics was clear:

“This is a human Olympics, if she or he or it wants to swim, well they can go back to their own planet.” 

Leonard was questioned further as to whether his latest accusation was the result of some bitterness at the success of the Chinese – some of which has been experienced at the expense of the Americans:

“Why I oughta…..” said a fuming Leonard, as he was restrained by colleagues, “There is no way a damn Chinaman can beat an American. She’s a damn Alien, they all are!”

                    Swimming Coach John Leonard learns of another Chinese medal victory.

CHILDREN OF TOWER HAMLETS REJOICE AT TEAM GB EQUESTRIAN SILVER-MEDAL WIN

London 2012 organisers spoke of inspiring a generation and leaving a legacy; a sentiment that many cynics had sought to criticise. However, few were left doubting the evidence of such sentiment today as children across the London 2012 hosting borough, Tower Hamlets, celebrated the Team GB equestrian silver-medal win. Many have said that the sport is the sole reserve of the privileged and perennially entitled; but the joy shown by teenagers in one of London’s poorest boroughs proved that equestrianism can be just as popular as football.  

“We just love equestrianism innit,” said one delighted youngster, calmly cleaning his handgun, “Dressage is just sick bruv. When Fox-Pitt got a clean round in, man was like braaaaaaap!!”

The Team GB silver medallists were delighted at the reception they received from the hosting borough.

“At the end of the day, we’re just regular people, like the chaps of this borough,” said Eton-educated William Fox-Pitt.

“We hope that our efforts will inspire a generation of children from Tower Hamlets to take up eventing!” exclaimed the beaming - but arguably clueless - Royal Family member Zara Philips, “I know there is a recession on, but come on kids, Daddy can buy you a horse!”

When questioned on the possibility that most people in Tower Hamlets - or anywhere else in the UK - would struggle to afford to take part in a sport like equestrianism, Philips’ response was unequivocal:

“So they should just save up!” she said, blasting a fox to pieces with a shotgun,“God, you have to make sacrifices for this…”

                      Fox-Pitt (centre): Olympic silver-medallist and probable polygamist.

JESUS ASKS DANNY BOYLE TO DIRECT HIS SECOND COMING

Following his celebrated direction of the London 2012 Opening-Ceremony on Friday, Oscar-winning film director Danny Boyle received plaudits the world over. Top of the list of those congratulating Boyle, was none other than world-renowned Palestinian street magician and son of God, Jesus Christ.

Christ, who is planning his second-coming sometime before the US-presidential elections next year, is said to have been impressed by Boyle’s ability to appeal to a broad demographic with his artistic direction, and also by his unrivalled knack to choreograph large-scale historical inaccuracies set to music.

“It was great the way he selectively read history, and then set it to music,” said Christ, speaking to Zeitlies’ Heaven correspondent, “All that fire and brimstone had a real Old Testament feel to it - my Dad would have loved it.”

Christ is understood to have texted the Pope shortly after the conclusion of the Opening Ceremony; asking him to extend both his congratulations to Boyle and also an invitation to direct his second coming. Christ is also said to have contacted Republican US-presidential candidate Mitt Romney to inform him that (contrary to Mormon thinking) the second coming was not going to happen in the US – pretty much the same way that the first coming didn’t happen there either.

“Jesus is keen to set a few things straight with his second coming,” a Vatican spokesman said, “He intends to silence Mormons the world over by not visiting America.”

The spokesman went on to explain how Jesus was looking to ‘internationalise’ his visit as much as possible – with it being a world event, rather than one hosted by a particular country. Accordingly, Boyle has been instructed to leave-out references to Michael Fish, the NHS, Marmite, Dogging or any other expressly UK-centric themes, in any event that he directs.

It's party time.

   

REASON FOR INDIA’S NATIONWIDE BLACKOUT IS DISCOVERED

India suffered its largest sustained power-cut in over a decade this week, leaving half of the country without power. The country’s creaking infrastructure has often struggled to cope with an unequal demand and distribution for power across different areas of the country, with some states over-subscribing from the national grid and others using much less. These problems are compounded by rampant corruption from state officials and the construction of large numbers of ‘unauthorised’ residential areas that illegally syphon power from the grid. However, as these issues are present every-day in modern India, energy analysts and ministers refused to blame either corruption or mismanagement as the real reason for this present blackout.

“It’s very easy to blame corruption or incompetence when these things happen in India,” said Laloo Dacoity, Energy Minister for Haryana, “but the real reason for this can actually be found online.”

Dacoity and several other state Energy Ministers are instead blaming the blackout on a sudden, unprecedented surge in power demands that took place simultaneously across the country. The reason for this was the rumoured online-release of a celebrity sex-tape – this time featuring none other than Indian cricket demi-god, Sachin Tendulkar.

“Suddenly people who never needed to use electricity were desperately plugging in their phones and laptops,” said Dacoity, “Understandably, in the hope of seeing’s Sachin’s bare arse.”

However, millions across the country were left cruelly disappointed; as it transpired that the Tendulkar sex-tape was in fact a hoax, filmed and released by Pakistani secret service agency, ISI.

“We wanted to see how easy it would be to bring India to its knees,” said ISI chief, Hamid Bul, “Our army haven’t been paid in years, our nukes are made of wood - so we needed to explore all options that could be used against India. This was a great success.”

In order to prevent against this kind of attack again, the Federal Government in India has formed a taskforce to test the providence of any sex-tapes released online; in the hope of detecting a potential hoax-attack from Pakistan. Presently, the members of the taskforce are yet to be selected - though every male Member of Parliament has nominated himself to be included.

   

AMOEBA HIRED BY PEPSI IN AMBUSH-MARKETING PLAN AT LONDON 2012

In what is being regarded as the only way to usurp the Draconian brand protection laws being enforced throughout the London 2012 Games, Pepsi and other brands that are not on the official sponsors’ list, are planning on using billions of amoeba in the most ambitious ambush-marketing attempts ever.

Pepsi are said to have tested the method as a response to the Beijing Olympics, where brand protection was equally as fierce as in London.

“We knew in Beijing things would be tight,” a spokesman from Pepsi said, “But hey, they don’t got human rights over there, so they can be as tight as a nun’s…”

Pepsi formed a joint venture with a number of other companies; to fund research and development into the use of micro-organisms for ambush-marketing programmes, where the use of heavy-handed security prevented other methods.

“At first we couldn’t get more than a green bit of sludge to stick on the wall, “ said Dr. Keinelife, “but later on we made some real progress.”

Pepsi intend on dropping billions of amoeba into the Olympic stadium by air. Upon contact with the ground, the highly trained single-celled organisms will then re-arrange themselves at a microscopic level according to Pepsi’s design, such that the final arrangement would be visible on television.

“Now we just drop ‘em in there and the little fellas run into position and form the Pepsi logo or whatever we want,” said the Doctor, “it’s great to be able to get past the brand police. And the brand army.”

Lord Coe is said to have been outraged by the plans; suggesting he had done absolutely everything possible to protect his beloved sponsor-brands. Determined to keep out rogue single-cell organisms, Coe has vowed to call up thousands of micro biologists (to replace the thousands of now redundant squaddies) and anyone with a microscope to check every cell entering the Olympic park, as a last ditch effort to ensure absolute exclusivity for the Games’ sponsors.

“I will keep-out every single cell and atom if I have to, I don’t care if nobody sees the Games,” said Lord Coe dressed as Ronald McDonald, “No one fucks with my brands. Here have a Coke.”

UNION BOSS FAILS TO APPRECIATE IRONY AS TERRORISTS HOLD HIM HOSTAGE

Union boss Mark Serwotka has failed to appreciate the irony in being held hostage by a group of terrorists in Surrey this week. Serwotka, who consistently threatens the public with Union strikes unless financial rewards are doled out, is no stranger to the arrangement whereby a pecuniary demand is sought through a process of blackmail - also known as ‘being held to ransom’. However, he is said to be bamboozled by the idea that his current capture and ransom is in anyway ironic. When issuing the ransom plea, the kidnappers also released a video of Serwotka.

“I don’t see anything ironic about this at all,” said Serwotka, to a chorus of muffled giggles from his captors, “I never kidnapped anyone. I’m definitely claiming days-off in lieu for this.”

Serwotka’s captors are said to be a terrorist group of international-business travellers - who collectively - have spent over five years standing in immigration queues at Heathrow in 2012. Serwotka’s threat to strike during the Olympics was believed to be the last straw, with statements published on the group’s website claiming: “This selfish bastard is already a dead man.”

It is unclear as to how the terrorists are treating Serwotka. Rumours on social media suggest he is being constantly prodded and asked “Do you get it yet?”

Other reports have indicated that the terrorists have taken to playing the Alanis Morissette song, ‘Ironic’, in the hope that Serwotka may take a hint and finally see the irony. Sadly, most commentators concede that the choice of the famous Morissette tune was probably not a good one (owing to the lack of references to actual irony) with some suggesting ‘I’m the Leader of a Gang’ by Gary Glitter to be more suitable.