#ZEITbites

UK News
TORY PARTY DETERMINED TO LOSE ‘NASTY PARTY’ TITLE – In favour of the slogan much loved by Millwall fans: “Nobody likes us, we don’t care.”

DOCTORS STRIKE WINS WIDESPREAD SUPPORT… for private medical insurance providers.

World News
ANGELA MERKEL SET TO WELCOME MORE IMMIGRANTS… to take up residence in France as soon as possible.

WESTERN POWERS AND ISIS SET FOR DISCUSSIONS – Both sides are due to stage internal talks to determine exactly how to eliminate the other side.

Sport
CHELSEA PROMISE TO GIVE NEXT MANAGER A CHANCE… to cajole a bunch of self-important tossers into winning every trophy under the sun within a single season, at the absolute latest. 

UK ATHLETICS CALL FOR WIPING OF ALL RECORDS – Sebastian Coe is said to be disgusted at the dusty condition of the UKA’s vinyl collection.

Lord Coe was not pleased at the state of the UKA's original 5" copy of "Baby Love" by the Supremes