COALITION TO TARGET RICH PENSIONERS BY INTRODUCING MEDITERRANEAN CRUISE TAX

Nick Clegg signaled he is at the forefront of a new effort to target wealthy pensioners with assets of in excess of 1 million pounds, by proposing a package of taxes and benefit withdrawals for the leather-skinned, cravat and cardigan wearing classes. Attendees at the Liberal Democrat Annual Conference - where Clegg made his announcement - were said to be divided over what is presently a mixed bag of proposals.

Though most agreed that millionaire pensioners could probably forego some of the state-benefits they are presently entitled to, many were less receptive to the idea of a set of targeted sales taxes. It was announced that a new tax would be introduced on Mediterranean Cruises, with on-board games of Shuffle-board becoming eligible for VAT. The Cruise-Tax is but one of a list of fiscal measures that are being proposed to tackle an ever widening gap in the balance of payments. The proposals have been met by a dreary, listless ripple of often incomprehensible-indignation from wealthy pensioners across the country.

“It’s that contemptuous little Westminster boy again isn’t it?” said Basil Farrah-Chumley, spokesman for elderly interest group, Grey Rage. “I mean I get so angry! Bloody rascal, rambunctious little so and so, I should sit down. Excitement is terribly debilitating at this age…”

The Cruise-Tax isn’t the only fiscal measure that is causing controversy. The proposed taxes on burgundy leather, tortoise-shell canes, Cashmere wool and Panama hats are all considered to be ill-disguised attempts at plundering the wealthy and elderly.

 “Things are so arduous these days. I remember in the days of Empire…” said Basil as he mumbled indecipherably whilst stroking an antique globe, “Nowadays I can barely buy a servant to shoot every month. It’s the bloody modern age.”  

Sorry ma'am, you have to pay.