The ZEITlies
when the truth is so ridiculous, we may as well lie...
Tuesday, 12 April 2016
Monday, 29 February 2016
CAMERON VS BORIS: PROJECT FACT VS
PROJECT FEAR, ALIEN VS PREDATOR.
Britain
is bracing itself for the biggest Tory punch-up since Thatcher’s famous biffing
of Michael Heseltine in a row about his foppish hairdo. With Mayor of London
and three-time Zip-wire World Champion Boris Johnson slamming the government’s
pro EU stance, the Tory party is set for another Euro-sceptic-centric
bloodbath. Plans are already underway to
build panic rooms into the Tory party’s Millbank HQ, with additional bunkers
close to Westminster for Tory MPs to take refuge from the war that is soon to
be raging around them. Some however, are using the impending duel as an
opportunity for innovative merchandising.
“We’ve
been piloting the idea of a Dave vs Boris computer game,” said Tory marketing
manager, Willy Banter, “It’d be a beat-em-up kinda game, a bit like Mortal Kombat. Dave’s special weapon would be his tie which would double up as a garrotte,
and Boris would have his turbo-powered rugby tackle, like the one he did on that
Japanese school kid.”
Not
wanting to miss out on an opportunity to plunder people’s money, Hollywood film
makers have also stolen a ticket for the blue gravy train. The rumours swirling around the prostitutes and cracked pavements of Hollywood suggest that Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in a film about the
Bullingdon-boy-brawlathon.
“We think it will be like an Alien vs Predator kinda thing. Two rampaging beasts battling it out, but with Arnie coming along and killing them both,” said Hollywood goss-boss, Roger Megood, whilst aggressively crossing his legs “Arnie will be great for this role. He’s so up to speed on the Brexit debate…only kidding! He thought Brexit was a laxative.”
If the fight was over 12 rounds, you know who'd win.... |
Sunday, 24 January 2016
HIP-HOP COMMUNITY LEFT REELING
AFTER THE BEAT Y’ALL, SOMEONE DID STOP
Fourteen
people were hospitalised and several others were left deeply in shock at a hip-hop
concert in Atlanta, Georgia, where contrary to long and almost sacrosanct held
expectations, “to the beat y’all”, someone did stop.
“Oh shit
it just went crazy yo, everybody was losing their shit,” said hip-hop fan,
Willard Fung, “Normally, you don’t stop, to the beat y’all, you don’t stop,”
Fung continued, “But some crazy ass fool did stop! Right there in front of everyone,
mother fucker stopped!”
Unable to
cope with the stopping man, the rapper on stage, up and coming local performer,
Rufus E, or Roof-E to his homies, collapsed onto a heap of mixing equipment, which
fell off stage and caused a number of injuries. The most severe injuries however
were sustained in the prolonged shoot out with automatic weapons that ensued.
Promoters
in Atlanta’s thriving hip-hop community are said to already have begun
implementing measures to prevent people from stopping in future.
“We
spiking drinks with speed, we slipping niggers pills and shit,” said promoter,
Dirt-E Preezt, “And if they still want to stop after that, we shoot the
motherfuckers.”
Freddie never stops. |
JADA PINKETT SMITH URGES
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION BOYCOTT IF THERE ARE NO BLACK NOMINEES
Following
her recent tweets of disbelief at the lack of black nominees at this year’s
Oscars, the Fresh Prince’s wife is again asking for a boycott if there is another
failure to represent black people. Though most shared her dismay at the second
all white Oscar nomination list a row, few shared her belief that the Presidential
election was quite the same thing. Late yesterday, Jada Pinkett-Smith tweeted
the following: “Boycott the presidential election if there are no black
nominees. Ours is a strong and noble people.”
Sources
close to Pinkett-Smith that her comments should not be misread, and that they
are in effect and aftershock reaction to the earthquake of racism Pinkett-Smith
felt at this year’s Oscar nomination list.
“After that
list came, out, she started seeing racism everywhere,” said Willow Smith, shortly
before shaking her hair back and forth, “She even said we should boycott the
Indian restaurant because there were no blacks working there. It sucks, I liked
that place. I flick my hair back and forth….”
Spike Lee
joined once again was quick to join Pinkett-Smith in her calls for a race-wide
boycott:
“Sister
Pinkett-Smith is right. It’s time to boycott those cracker-ass racists.”
Another place boycotted by Jada Pinkett-Smith. |
Tuesday, 12 January 2016
#ZEITbites
UK News
TORY PARTY DETERMINED TO LOSE ‘NASTY PARTY’ TITLE – In favour of the slogan much loved by Millwall fans: “Nobody likes us, we don’t care.”
DOCTORS STRIKE WINS WIDESPREAD SUPPORT… for private medical insurance providers.
UK News
TORY PARTY DETERMINED TO LOSE ‘NASTY PARTY’ TITLE – In favour of the slogan much loved by Millwall fans: “Nobody likes us, we don’t care.”
DOCTORS STRIKE WINS WIDESPREAD SUPPORT… for private medical insurance providers.
World News
ANGELA MERKEL SET TO WELCOME MORE IMMIGRANTS… to take up residence in France as soon as possible.
ANGELA MERKEL SET TO WELCOME MORE IMMIGRANTS… to take up residence in France as soon as possible.
WESTERN POWERS AND ISIS SET FOR
DISCUSSIONS – Both
sides are due to stage internal talks to determine exactly how to eliminate the
other side.
Sport
CHELSEA PROMISE TO GIVE NEXT MANAGER A CHANCE… to cajole a bunch of self-important tossers into winning every trophy under the sun within a single season, at the absolute latest.
CHELSEA PROMISE TO GIVE NEXT MANAGER A CHANCE… to cajole a bunch of self-important tossers into winning every trophy under the sun within a single season, at the absolute latest.
UK ATHLETICS CALL FOR WIPING OF ALL
RECORDS – Sebastian
Coe is said to be disgusted at the dusty condition of the UKA’s vinyl
collection.
Lord Coe was not pleased at the state of the UKA's original 5" copy of "Baby Love" by the Supremes |
Saturday, 24 October 2015
#ZEITbites
Politics
LABOUR’S NIGHT OF THE
LONG KNIVES – Corbyn organises shadow cabinet visit to a local kebab shop…
LIB DEMS LOOK SET TO
REGAIN POWER – Electricity finally turned on after three day power-cut at
London HQ…
TORIES PLEDGE TO HELP
THE YOUNG – …transition smoothly from benefit dependence into adult poverty….
LABOUR PEER SUPPORTS
CORBYN – Lord Grabiner managed to catch a fainting Corbyn when he informed
him of his resignation…
On his way not to meet the Queen. |
Sport
ENGLAND BATSMEN SHOW
FIGHT IN UAE – …for approximately twelve minutes, before wilting and
folding like a defeated leaf of lettuce.
MOURINHO SHOWS
HUMILITY IN DEFEAT TO WEST HAM – …though not before behaving like a bell-end and getting sent off.
KIWIS LOOK TO MEET
AUSSIES IN LONDON SHOW DOWN AFTER DOWNING PROTEAS – The final of the
Walkabout’s “Get Fuckin’ Pissed” Challenge takes place in London next week.
The Southern hemisphere's best fight it out in London. |
World
PATRICIA LOOKS SET TO
OBLITERATE LARGE PARTS OF MEXICO – Fat woman from Basildon promises to “smash
it up” on her upcoming holiday to Cancun.
US AND RUSSIA IN
TALKS OVER SYRIA – Planes from opposing air forces accidentally cross radio
waves whilst flying bombing raids over the country.
HILLARY CLINTON GOES
FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH IN RUN UP TO PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN – Former first
lady is one month into the Insanity workout programme…
Reaping the benefits of maximum interval training. |
ZEITlies UK News Round-Up
Talk Talk hacking
problem “smaller than first thought” as no one actually uses Talk Talk –
The communications company was delighted to announce that the size of the
hacking problem had affected less customers than initially thought, after
investigations revealed hardly anyone uses shitty Talk Talk anyway. Company
insiders also confirmed that the details of the customers who do still use Talk
Talk, are likely to be dirty and undesirable in any event.
George Osborne
demands that the nation’s cleaners contribute more to GDP – Looking to
defend his widely criticised move to remove tax credits for the lowest earners
in the country, Osborne has said he believes that such a move can improve the nation's productivity. Responding to comments that his cuts mostly affect cleaners and
street sweepers, Osborne was quick to point out that if the lazy bastards just “cleaned
harder and faster, the nation’s debt would be gone in no time”.
Germaine Greer
completes journey from revolutionary to “Instrument of the Man” – After her
bewilderingly transphobic comments this week in the run up to a university
lecture tour she is undertaking, Greer’s actions have confirmed that like
everyone with any idealism as a young person, she too has finally become “The
Man”. Few thought that a revolutionary feminist could ever represent an
establishment viewpoint, but when Greer snorted that transgender people could
never be women, her journey to Man-hood was complete.
British Olympic Committee
face bakery based bribery allegations – With a nation perennially in the
grip of baking fever, the British Olympic Committee is facing allegations that
it attempted to bribe the IOC to include baking as an Olympic sport at the next
Winter Games. An IOC statement says several delegates received packages from
the British committee that included envelopes of money, and perfectly cooked
apple turnovers and Victoria sandwiches with Marry Berry’s signature
buttercream filling.
Whatevs. You're totes 'The Man' now. |
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