WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Disgraced British TV Star Stuart Hall forced to issue statement denying knowledge of the whereabouts of the missing Nigerian schoolgirls – Following the sordid revelations of his predatory sexual dick-banditry with underage girls in BBC dressing rooms, Hall’s team were compelled to issue a statement categorically denying knowing where the missing schoolgirls might be. After a visit to the Hall residence late last night, Police are said to be satisfied that his garage is “no way near big enough to hold 200 schoolgirls, not even thin ones”.

Canadian cannabis vending machines create unforeseen situations – Many machines have had the walls in their peripheral area gnawed at as vendo-mashed stoners desperately seek to sate their munchies on any available solid. In addition to this, in every instance of an attempted theft from a machine the would-be thief has been immediately apprehended, with the miscreant typically found metres away from the machine sitting on the floor stoned.

Not fans of Eurovision. 

Al-Shabaab’s promise to disrupt Eurovision welcomed by all - Militant Somalian Islamist group, Al-Shabaab have promised to disrupt the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest in a move that has won supporters from all quarters. The exact plans of the Al-Shabaab operation are a closely guarded secret, but the group has not yet ruled out performing a song of their own – written with Will-i-Am – which purportedly exposits the fundamentals of their radical Islamist dogma, but has an absolutely wicked beat and really cool synth.

Fear of match-fixing creates unbridled paranoia at Pepsi IPL – Fans are reportedly so suspicious that every single event in each of the cricket matches at this year’s IPL could in fact be fixed, many are suffering aneurysms and haemorrhages owing to breakouts of unbridled paranoia. Every time a wicket falls, a catch is dropped or a no ball is bowled, the number of stricken patients streaming into India’s hospitals suffering with paranoia-related injuries increases. Dubai-based bookmaking firm, I T Akallofdat PVT Limited, have reportedly starting taking bets on which hospital will admit the most patients in any particular hour.

Spectacular fix.

FARAGE DENIES RUMOURS THAT UKIP PLAN TO LEGALISE RACISM

As each day passes and another hoard of racist UKIP members is grimly uncovered, an increasingly confused – and possibly not that racist - Nigel Farage has been forced to deny rumours that if it were to be in office, a UKIP government would be forced to legalise racism.

“As more and more members are proving themselves to be filthy racists,” said Anti-Racism campaigner, Omar Godyeh, “In order to keep the majority its cabinet out of jail, a UKIP government would have to legalise racism.”

But Farage has hit back, forcefully denying the allegation that his party is filled with race-baiting hate-mongers and xenophobic genitally deficient little-Englanders, claiming that the number of racist UKIP members and electoral candidates has been blown wildly out of proportion.

“Look, I’m sick of having to say this, but just because 98% of our members are racist, it doesn’t mean that we’re all racist,” said Farage, flicking through the final copy of recently-closed lad-mag Nuts, “We’re a genuine alternative to the Westminster bigwigs…. look at the jugs on that darkie!”

UKIP members show little imagination at a fancy dress party.

ENGLAND'S PRIMARY SCHOOL PLACES TO BE DECIDED BY TV TALENT SHOW

With one in five English parents now unable to secure their first-choice primary school for their child, many are readying their little-ones for a fight to the death to secure the best school spots. Keen to avoid a bloodbath, the Department for Education has announced that the fairest way to deal with the ever-shrinking number of primary school places is for each one to be decided by a TV talent contest, with members of the public phoning-in to vote for the child they believe deserves the place the most.

“We will have a panel of judges that pick five kids to go to a public vote at the end of each episode,” said TV producer, Noel Limittocrass, “The kid that wins the public vote gets a primary school place! We already have ten education boards signed up!”

Simon Cowell will inevitably head the panel of judges, though he was unavailable to confirm his participation owing to his attendance at the twelfth-annual International Man of Sex Awards, hosted in the master-bedroom of his London house.

The internet is already rife with speculation as to who the remaining judges will be and what sort of material will be most well received.

“I heard it’s gonna be one of them Strictly judges,” said a concerned parent, Andy Wosgon, “I’ll probably just get the boy doing a bit of fox-trot, increase his chances.”

The government has predictably denied suggestions that investing more money into education would go some way to alleviating the problem, stating that the idea that newly built primary schools would somehow increase the number of school places was “complete pie-in-the-sky tosh”.

Some kids will find it easier than others.

GOVE OUTLINES PLANS TO OUTLAW LEOPARD PRINT IN THE WORKPLACE

Despite having the popularity of a Mormon at a rave, Michael Gove has made an astonishing political turnaround by proposing a policy that has quickly won support from all sides of the house. After his plans to root-out an ‘Islamic plot’ in Britain’s schools attracted the usual face-in-hand reactions coupled with the inevitable questions surrounding his mental health, Gove hit back with a policy that has everyone behind him: a ban on leopard print in the workplace.

“Research has shown that productivity rates fall by up to forty percent when an employee is seen to be wearing leopard print,” Gove’s aide, Neil Downanhush, said to reporters, “Nearby workers become pre-occupied with talking about Scary Spice from the Spice Girls or with retching into available receptacles. In a global economy where productivity matters, Britain simply can’t afford these distractions”

The cabinet has denied reports that the plans are a thinly disguised attempt at violating the rights of overweight people, refuting claims that a secret report – titled ‘Fatties Love Leopard’ - discovered a unfortunately positive correlation between body-mass index scores and ‘the propensity to wear leopard print’. 

No, no and no. Unfortunately for the lads in reprographics, they're all banned.

GEORGE BUSH’S PAINTINGS REVEAL HIS ‘OUTER’ CHILD

As a series of paintings, conjured up by the former Most Hated Man in The World and five-time World Douche of the Year, George Bush, is released to a chorus of exasperated groans, art critics are unanimous in their view that the works reveal Bush’s true personality. However, instead of tapping into a childlike state that lies deep and dormant in the recesses of his personality, Bush’s work is able to exploit the childlike state that is conveniently on the surface.

“Oh he has used his work to really show us who he is, like going through a process of spiritual regression to reach one’s fundamentalities, and I for one, love it,” said broadsheet art-critic, Foolah Krapp, whilst he/she drank/ate a cocktail/beer served in a man/woman’s hat, “With George he doesn’t need to regress, his fundamentalities are on the surface! He’s a child! It’s just amoriphicly fantabulicious, indubitably.”

Bush’s works have already attracted several high-profile customers, with aging megalomaniac Rupert Murdoch rumoured to have offered ten million US dollars for Bush’s self-portrait. Sources close to Murdoch claim that the Australian media tycoon plans to hang the portrait in the same room that he houses his life-size waxwork of Margaret Thatcher, on the opposite wall to a series of sketches of a nude Rebekah Brooks. Other rumoured customers are former prime-minister and career bullshit-merchant, Tony Blair, and current Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger.    

From the collection: 'Selfies'

COCAINE STUFFED DONKEY USED BY SMUGGLERS AS DRUG MULE

A four-foot Bolivian donkey named Alvarez who was stuffed with up to ten kilos of cocaine, has been repeatedly used as a ‘drug mule’ by local cocaine smugglers. A cocaine-packed Alvarez made over twenty cross-border journeys - by land, sea and air - spanning some five years, before eventually attracting the suspicion of customs officers in his native Bolivia.

“We just never thought a ‘drug mule’ would actually be a mule full of drugs,” said Bolivian customs official, Gimme da Briberio, “It’s a brilliant plan really. Normally we look for fat British tourists, so the last thing we would suspect is a cocaine-stuffed donkey. Just shows how sophisticated these smugglers are.”

Alvarez is currently in custody in Sucre, housed in the capital’s infamous El Villa del Rapos Analios Prison, alongside some of the nation’s most violent criminals. However, it is rumoured that Alverez has utilised underworld connections to secure preferential treatment inside the slammer.

A hardened drug mule, Alvarez the donkey was finally caught when a customs officer in Bolivia noticed that instead of being a valid passport-holder attempting to exit the country lawfully, Alvarez was in fact a donkey full of coke.

Drug mule