ZEITeyes…

Mail-order brides for the recession...

ZEITguide…

What makes the perfect Attack Ad…

US TV channels are awash with a campaign of ill-conceived but extremely expensive attack ads, paid for by the National Rifle Association. The NRA hopes to make a lethal assault in its latest battle with common logic, as it wrangles with that most hideous of foe: the idea that civilians shouldn’t possess military weapons.  When confronting seemingly irrefutable logic, the most potent weapon in the hands of the moron in 2013 is the well-produced attack ad. When facts don’t help, just shout louder! ZEITguide takes a look at what makes the perfect logic-busting attack ad…

Sexy Graphics:
Possibly the most persuasive tool in the fight with reason is undoubtedly the use of mind-bogglingly-irrelevant but irresistibly-sexy graphics.  The NRA have outdone themselves with their recent effort, confirming the assertion that the use of sinister silhouettes should be actively encouraged.

Judicious use of the ‘boom’ sound effect:
The fact that a resonant ‘boom’ sound effect is a pre-requisite to all good attack ads is beyond discussion; it is nearly impossible to make impactful statements of a wildly illogical nature without them. The issue is the level of usage: too little and your ad risks resembling a tawdry attempt at slam poetry; too much and you ad’s soundtrack strays dangerously close to the realms of house music. Extremely ill-advised.

Pointless but effective comparisons:
Don’t dwell on the fact that there may be distinguishable differences between the President of the USA and a man working in Starbucks, or the entire population of Ecuador and a cat – if it’s going to make a statement, make that comparison!

End with a militaristic slogan:

The NRA have used ‘Stand up and fight!’ in their latest effort, which given the armed nature of their target demographic, is as relevant as it is exhortative. Notable successes from other organisations in the past are: ‘Put up or shut-up!’, ‘We shall overcome!’, ‘No surrender!’ and ‘Go fuck yourself!’

Attack ads can be the face of an organisation if required.

  

ZEITeyes…

Slightly disconcerting ad on Gumtree. No time waster.

BRITAIN TO DECIDE ON WHETHER TO LEAVE EU…. AND JOIN AFRICA

Prime Minister David Cameron promised that if re-elected in 2015, he would hold a referendum on whether Britain should remain in the EU, or leave…and potentially join Africa.

The Prime Minister’s statement stressed the importance of giving the Britons the freedom to choose between the red-tape-lined, supra-legal, mandatory-square banana regulations-fest that was the European Union; and the sun-baked, Attenborough-loved, mineral-filled-but-occasionally-troublesome continent of Africa.

“The British public have the right to choose, this has always been a Tory priority,” thundered the Prime Minister, “Belgium or Burkina Faso? Oberpfaffenhofen or Ouagadougou? The choice is yours!”

The Prime Minister’s latest statement is said to be a move which will appease – and for a time, silence - Euro-sceptic members of his party, as well regaining some of the ground lost to UKIP in recent months. However, despite pleasing many Tory Euro-sceptics, Cameron’s pledge has alienated a large number of Tory Ethnic-racists.

“I never imagined there could be anything worse than being ruled by a horde of krauts and frogs,” said one particularly racist party member, “then they suggested this.”

Many commentators are predicting that disaffected Tories begin defecting to far-right parties in their droves. Organisations such as the BNP, the EDL, the Mighty White Alliance and the Project for the Eternal Celebration of Enoch Powell, are all possible beneficiaries. Others are suggesting that this splinter group may form a party all of their own, solely for the representation of conservative racist interests.   

Europe or Africa?

Apologies for the hiatus!!!

Will be back online very soon....

CHANCELLOR FORECASTS SIX MORE YEARS OF AUSTERITY AND RENDERS NEXT ELECTION COMPLETELY POINTLESS

At the release of the now-eagerly-anticipated Autumn Statement today in Westminster, the Chancellor outlined a distinctly grim prognosis. His forecast of six more years of austerity was warmly received by the nation’s monks and nuns, but went down like a cup of cold sick with the rest of the country. Such an unremittingly doleful outlook has effectively rendered the next election completely pointless; as whoever is voted into government, it’s clear that things are going to be shit anyway.

Many right-wing commentators are viewing this as a political masterstroke by the Chancellor; suggesting that because the Tories are losing so comprehensively at the polls and in the recent by-election, arguably their only hope of staying in government is to disillusion and disenfranchise the electorate completely, entirely sapping their will to vote.

Right-wing blogger and analyst for the Tory think-tank ‘Cut and Thrust’, Peter Smackworthy, gushed with praise for Osborne.

“He’s smashed a cover drive on a sticky wicket against some frighteningly-quick-bowling,” said Smackworthy, calmly applying lipstick to his face, “If no one cares about the next election, we have a real chance of winning it.”

American political columnist Hamilton Cincinnati-Botaigh was reported by several papers as suggesting that this kind of political manoeuvring is nothing new in the US.

“We have a term for this in the US, it’s a standard econo-electobuster,” he said, thumbing through thousand-page glossary of American political nomenclature. “It’s where the incumbent uses a negative economic outlook to disenfranchise the electorate. It’s a bold move, almost as bold as a nuclear-electobuster.”

The Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls, was quick to point out that a Labour government would offer a viable alternative to Tory austerity.

“The British public are ready for something different, and we can deliver!” said Balls, to a rapturous House of Commons, “No more austerity! Yes we will have to continue with cuts, yes we will have to raise taxes and yes we will have to review the public sector. But austerity? No more!”     

Roaming Britain until 2018 at the earliest...

WHERE WAS PRINCE HARRY WHEN THE DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE GOT PREGNANT?

Within moments of Kate Middleton’s announcement of her pregnancy with the Duke of Cambridge’s child, Prince Harry’s press secretary released a statement providing a detailed itinerary for the entirety of March 2012 as an alibi to dispel any rumours of his paternity in respect of the child, claiming: “the Prince was at least 100km from the Duchess of Cambridge at all times in the run-up to, during, and after her baby’s conception.”

In an additional pre-emptive move by the Prince's PR team, a list of former ginger-haired members of the House of Windsor was released to various newspapers, evidencing a long-established genealogically-ginger lineage, in order to quell, in advance, any press speculation in the event that the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby is born with ginger hair.

“We can’t take any chances,” said Verity Himmler-Rimmel, a close confidante of the Prince. “He wasn’t anywhere near the Duchess actually, the night of the conception he was attending a polysexual genocide-themed midget-throwing party in Cumbria. Still we want to quell any rumours before they start.”

The Sun claims to have information suggesting that Prince Harry may not have been in Cumbria for as long as his publicity team are suggesting.

“We paid a known stalker and rapist to hack some of the Prince’s friends’ phones, and fuck a duck, we found out some juicy stuff!” said a reporter (Glenn Dontcaire) who wished to remain anonymous. “After our hired criminal violently-violated the privacy and whatever else of a number of Harry’s friends, he discovered that Harry had left the midget-throwing party at ten o’clock that night, but he didn’t go home! Where did he go after that? Eh? Eh?”

There are rumours that The Sun are prepared to ‘bribe every single person in the country’ in order to find out; vowing to stop at nothing in the quest to dig-up enough puerile, derisive garbage to humiliate the Royal family and drive another princess to an assisted suicide.  

Prince Harry learns of the Duchess of Cambridge's pregnancy