MICHAEL GOVE WANTS TO REFORM YOUR LIFE!

Hi, I’m Michael Gove. You may remember seeing me in the House of Commons, normally at those times when you think someone has left a ventriloquist-doll on the front bench. My appearance delivers exactly the message it intends: I’m a HARD-ASS. Every single person in the country, no matter what they are doing and how well they are doing it, NEEDS TO DO BETTER! I don’t care how hard your life is, it needs to be HARDER!

It’s this hard-ass ethos that has got me to be Education Secretary and has given me my unmistakable trout-like countenance. I have reformed-the-shit out of education making it HARDER! Year 1 children will be learning classical Greek, and P.E. will be replaced with bare-knuckle boxing - to the DEATH!

Now that I’ve reformed education, I’m here to REFORM YOUR LIFE!

Let’s take a look at an average person’s daily routine and how I propose to reform it:

1.       Wake-up 7:30am

Are you bloody kidding me? You’ve given yourself a five-hour lie-in! You need to get up so early that it’s HARD! If you’re not chirping before the birds are you’ve FAILED!

2.      Eat breakfast of cereal and tea

I didn’t realise I was talking to Prince Charles! Needless ostentation like food does not make life HARD! A self-administered punch in the face is a more than an adequate breakfast.

3.       Walk to tube station and take train to work

You unspeakably-lazy oaf! Walking is not HARD! Running bare foot whilst carrying a pack of weights is HARD! And you can forget the tube, try crawling whilst slapping yourself, HARD!

4.       Arrive at office 9am

Your selfishness makes me sick! Don’t you know we are competing with China nowadays, where life is HARD! Those little guys have been working for HOURS by the time your lazy behind has arrived at your palatial office in Croydon. You better not use a photocopier either! It’s back to copying it out by hand I’m afraid, just like in the old days when life was HARD!

5.       Eat Lunch 1pm-2pm

Eating is a sign of weakness, if you are forced to eat; a cup of Victorian gruel is more than enough. Any more than FIVE minutes away from your desk and you can consider yourself in the WORKHOUSE!

6.       Leave work 5:30pm

You f****** lazy **** mother********* rascal! Get back in there and I’ll see you at MIDNIGHT!

7.       Relax in the evening with friends and family

If you’re not sleeping you should be WORKING! If you aren’t working then you should be purging yourself with a cat o’ nine tails or equivalent torture device.

Unlike Nietzsche, Gove never enjoys seeing a child at play.

ZEITtruth…

PC HARWOOD'S SACKING FOR  MISCONDUCT IS A RETURN TO FORM FOR THE MET

PC Simon Harwood has been sacked from the Metropolitan Police for gross misconduct and actions which discredited the Police service, it was announced in London today. The verdict was handed down by the Independent Police Complaints Commission, in only the second instance Police disciplinary proceedings have been conducted in public since this was first permitted by statute in 2008. The panel stopped short of delivering judgement on whether PC Harwood’s actions resulted in the death of Ian Tomlinson, much to the fury and consternation of Tomlinson’s surviving family.

Harwood himself offered to resign on a number of occasions before today’s hearing but such proffers were refused. He is now unable to serve as a Police officer in any of the forces around the country.

Despite Harwood’s sacking, in the absence of any prospect of criminal sentence, the family of Ian Tomlinson may rightly feel that justice is yet to be served. He was recently acquitted of Tomlinson’s murder, but at the same hearing the judge ruled that his killing was unlawful. The hearing was marred by suspect medical evidence adduced in Harwood’s defence, which raised doubts as to the credibility of Harwood’s expert witness and ostensibly flew in the face of video evidence showing Harwood’s actions in the run-up to Tomlinson’s death, as well as the post-mortem which determined Tomlinson had died of internal bleeding. The verdict was hollow and farcical. It was met by a fierce torrent of incredulity and indignation.

Harwood is yet to be adequately punished for the unlawful killing of Ian Tomlinson and today’s hearing has done little to redress the injustice. Harwood joins a long list of officers who have committed acts of ‘misconduct’ such that, were the same actions to be committed by members of the public, they would have resulted in criminal prosecutions. Back in 2011, the BBC conducted an investigation into the treatment by the Police of their own officers’ misconduct and it was found that between 2008 and 2010 at least 489 officers that had committed acts of misconduct had been ‘quietly’ allowed to retire.

When these figures were published nearly a year ago there was a vociferous call for greater Police accountability and transparency. Since then there has been damning evidence of Police racism (recorded on an audio device during the riots last year); gruesome details of Police collusion in press corruption disclosed in the Leveson inquiry, and the controversial trial of the then PC Harwood for killing Ian Tomlinson. Add to this the disinterment of the cynical forgery of Hillsborough and it’s alarming that there haven't been any high-profile criminal prosecutions of Police officers. Despite conducting Harwood’s hearing in public, by simply dismissing him and omitting judgement on his role in Tomlinson’s death, the IPCC’s conduct displayed a depressing maintenance of form for the country’s Police force, with its evidently faltering capacity for self-sanction. The refusal to take accountability conveys an arrogant air of legal impregnability, one which is normally more befitting of Police forces in (let’s say) far less-democratic environments.  In the absence of any meaningful criminal prosecutions of Police officers, the message from the Met is simple: if you are a Police officer, you can be racist, take bribes, falsify evidence, commit fraud and even kill people, without ever facing the sort of criminal sentence you would expect as a normal person.

It is seldom doubted that on occasion the Police are necessarily afforded certain legal protections that the public are not. This does not however, create a licence for barbarism and thuggery as a corollary benefit. This licentiousness has allowed a man to get away with murder. Unless things change, he won’t be the last. 

WHO IS MORE SENSITIVE? HIPPIE DOUCHE OR RIGHT-WING ASSHOLE?

Psychologists at the University of Oxford have commissioned a study looking into finding an answer to the age old question: who is more sensitive (i.e. annoying)? Liberal hippie-douche or Tory right-wing asshole? Both types of person are as irritating as an unreachable fungal-rash, but which of these equally odious groups of people is most likely to humourlessly flip their wig at the smallest amount of provocation? Dr. Hans Bigplans of Hertford College, Oxford, sought to find out.

Douche.

“Traditionally in studies like this, we would conduct a series of interviews on right and left wing people to ascertain their response to various types of stimuli,” said Dr Bigplans, “this time however, we are adopting a revolutionary new approach that will allow us to make a broader conclusion applicable to a wider population of left or right wing people.”

Asshole.

Dr. Bigplans explained how his study was based on the use of the comments sections on websites of both right and left wing newspapers.

“Essentially, what we tried to do, was plant a right-wing comment on the Guardian website and a left-wing comment on the Daily Mail website,” explained Dr. Bigplans, “we then waited to see which of the comments would receive the most amount of scathing criticism, and how quickly the responses would be posted.”

Initially the test proved to be inconclusive: with the comment ‘It’s about time all our kids learnt about Islam’ planted on the Daily Mail website receiving 400 critical responses in 21 minutes; compared to ‘Bankers made this country and pay for your benefits-scrounging family to live’ planted on the Guardian website, which received 450 complaints in 18 minutes.

“Essentially, after initial tests, both douches and assholes were operating at about 20 responses a minute, which is pretty fucking sensitive” said Dr Bigplans. “Both sets of people also told us to ‘fuck off and die’ an average of 45% of the time”.

However results started to differ based on the content of the comments placed on either the Guardian or Daily Mail website. 

“What we discovered was that Tory assholes get super-sensitive when it comes to talking about a wealth tax, we got 1000 responses to a comment in under 10 minutes with one guy threatening to shit on my mother’s corpse if I ever talked about progressive Economics again”, said a bewildered looking Dr. Bigplans. “Similarly, just the mere mention that George Osborne was a nice guy on the Guardian website got 1200 comments in 10 minutes – which put the lefties marginally in the lead as being the most sensitive.” Ironically, Left wing threats of violence were the most vulgar – one guy stating he would ‘skull fuck [Dr Bigplans] all the way to the Gulag’.

Ultimately, it proved difficult to separate Right-wing assholes and Liberal-hippie douches. It would appear that the prudent conclusion to draw from this study would be to stay away from both groups of people!

TOWIE CAST MEMBERS DENIED THE RIGHT TO COMPETE AT THE PARALYMPICS

TOWIE cast members have been denied the right to participate in the Paralympics - according to sources close to the ignoramus collective -  following a last ditch effort to meet qualification standards.

To the disappointment of pouty morons across the South-Eastern county, Paralympic organisers have confirmed that monumental amounts of stupidity does not technically constitute a qualifying disability. This is in spite of the fact that the repercussions of such a condition can often be far worse than for some of the conditions that qualify as disabilities for the Paralympic Games. This is exhibited by the shocking statistic that TOWIE cast members electrocute themselves an average of 3 times per day – often with the same ‘child friendly’ device; and also that three female cast members have been rushed to hospital in recent months for the inserting of tampons into the incorrect orifice. It was stories like these which prompted the show’s producers to seek entry for the cast in the Paralympic Games, claiming “it is clear that being an idiot is far more of a disability than being an amputee or having some kind of palsy.”

Amy Childs, the raven haired, silicone-chested pillar of vacuousness, was particularly disappointed at not being allowed to compete, having overcome significant intellectual deficiencies to post a qualifying time.

“When she first started training, it took us two or three weeks to get her to run the right way around the track,” said one disgruntled athletics trainer. “Thereafter, the main struggle was to try and get her to run ten metres without stopping to pose, pout and push her boobs together. That took fucking ages.”

More valiant efforts were made by athletics trainers on the field, particularly in trying to stop TOWIE male cast members from creating phallic symbols using two shots and a javelin.

It has been claimed that TOWIE producers and cast members though disappointed, are not too disheartened; hoping that four more years of unabated stupidity may cause the kind of accident which could create a ‘genuine’ qualifying condition for the Rio 2016 Paralympics. 

It took over two hours to get them to stand like this....

ROMNEY-RYAN PRESIDENCY PROMISES ‘RIGID HAIRCUTS AND SQUARE JAWS’ IN US PUBLIC LIFE

At the Republican National Convention last week, life-long Mormon, business sadist and surreptitious salsa dancer, Mitt Romney formally accepted the Republican candidacy for this year’s Presidential election. As running mate Paul Ryan stole the show at the Tampa Bay Times Forum amidst a cacophony of whoops, whistles and handgun shots, Republican die-hards were promised a government which would show unflinching support to rigidly coiffured haircuts, and razor-sharp square jaws – even if that meant compromising on other areas of governance – like the consideration, drafting and implementation of actual policy.  

Republican supporters were wowed by Ryan’s movie star looks and impeccably kept hair – all of which proved to be sufficient compensation for Romney’s asparagus-like performance at the Convention on the same day.

“Oh he looked like a dream boat,” said a gushing Bobby-Sue-Raylene-Chester-Mary-Jesus McCafferty, a life-long Republican. “I don’t really know what he said, but oh-my-gosh he was so dreamy!”

It would appear that many in the Tampa Bay Times Forum had no idea what was said by Ryan or Romney – with most suggesting that their faultlessly preened appearances were the ‘takeaway’ messages from the Convention.

“I know some of those Democrats have been saying Ryan, was lyin’!” said another Republican supporter, “but I don’t care! Lying or no lying, policy or no policy, at least he don’t look like a damn ni….”

Neutral observers at last week’s proceedings were understandably disappointed at the lack of policy detail, particularly in light of Ryan’s reputation and assumed role as the Republican policy expert.

I love you Dad. I love you too son.

“Well, it wasn’t enough to say that their policy would be ‘awesome’, we were hoping for more details,” said an NBC reporter. “Still, even we had to say, Ryan and Romney did look quite marvellous.”

ZEITguide…  

How to be a Republican Presidential Candidate.

With the Republican National Convention taking place last week in Tampa, in the Southern State of Florida, Zeitlies looks at what it takes to make the ideal Republican presidential candidate…

1.      A mind-blowingly kempt haircut…
Romney and his running mate Paul Ryan have got this completely right. Not even Hurricane Isaac seemed to pose a threat to either of their well-cemented styles. To his credit, Bush Jnr’s hair was always in pretty good nick, the result – two consecutive terms in office. However, John McCain never had the follicle presence of other Republican candidates – meaning it was no surprise that the most vociferous support in his campaign was targeted at the voluminous hairdo of then-aspiring-bimbo Sarah Palin.

2.       Get yourself a weird religion…
Reagan implied it, Bush Jnr had it, and Romney has it in spades. Don’t hide your free-wheeling, polygamous, anti-science, anti-history, regressive buffoonery of a religion – let that bad boy out!

3.       You need a shady business past…
Here is where the Bush family set the gold standard, with erstwhile members brazenly profiting from the war deaths of millions in Europe, and ol’ Geo bankrupting every company he came within twenty metres of – even with his Harvard MBA! The Kennedy’s had sought to compete for the Democrats in this area in years gone by – a threat which has declined in recent years. But today’s Republicans can be pleased with Romney’s impressive business track record, as he has seemingly ticked all the requisite boxes. He has shown a ruthless and callous disregard for the welfare of his employees,  has been the beneficiary of questionable favouritism and shows a general disdain for business transparency and the tax inspector. The boy has done well!

4.       Don’t talk facts!

Republicans do not want to hear facts. They want to hear that ‘things are gonna be swell’ and that their government is ‘gonna kick some Commie ass!”. Diverting from this well established maxim can only end in disaster – a lesson which Romney-Ryan have already learnt!

Romney was soon informed that the GOP do not like limp wrists.

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