AMOEBA HIRED BY PEPSI IN AMBUSH-MARKETING PLAN AT LONDON 2012

In what is being regarded as the only way to usurp the Draconian brand protection laws being enforced throughout the London 2012 Games, Pepsi and other brands that are not on the official sponsors’ list, are planning on using billions of amoeba in the most ambitious ambush-marketing attempts ever.

Pepsi are said to have tested the method as a response to the Beijing Olympics, where brand protection was equally as fierce as in London.

“We knew in Beijing things would be tight,” a spokesman from Pepsi said, “But hey, they don’t got human rights over there, so they can be as tight as a nun’s…”

Pepsi formed a joint venture with a number of other companies; to fund research and development into the use of micro-organisms for ambush-marketing programmes, where the use of heavy-handed security prevented other methods.

“At first we couldn’t get more than a green bit of sludge to stick on the wall, “ said Dr. Keinelife, “but later on we made some real progress.”

Pepsi intend on dropping billions of amoeba into the Olympic stadium by air. Upon contact with the ground, the highly trained single-celled organisms will then re-arrange themselves at a microscopic level according to Pepsi’s design, such that the final arrangement would be visible on television.

“Now we just drop ‘em in there and the little fellas run into position and form the Pepsi logo or whatever we want,” said the Doctor, “it’s great to be able to get past the brand police. And the brand army.”

Lord Coe is said to have been outraged by the plans; suggesting he had done absolutely everything possible to protect his beloved sponsor-brands. Determined to keep out rogue single-cell organisms, Coe has vowed to call up thousands of micro biologists (to replace the thousands of now redundant squaddies) and anyone with a microscope to check every cell entering the Olympic park, as a last ditch effort to ensure absolute exclusivity for the Games’ sponsors.

“I will keep-out every single cell and atom if I have to, I don’t care if nobody sees the Games,” said Lord Coe dressed as Ronald McDonald, “No one fucks with my brands. Here have a Coke.”

UNION BOSS FAILS TO APPRECIATE IRONY AS TERRORISTS HOLD HIM HOSTAGE

Union boss Mark Serwotka has failed to appreciate the irony in being held hostage by a group of terrorists in Surrey this week. Serwotka, who consistently threatens the public with Union strikes unless financial rewards are doled out, is no stranger to the arrangement whereby a pecuniary demand is sought through a process of blackmail - also known as ‘being held to ransom’. However, he is said to be bamboozled by the idea that his current capture and ransom is in anyway ironic. When issuing the ransom plea, the kidnappers also released a video of Serwotka.

“I don’t see anything ironic about this at all,” said Serwotka, to a chorus of muffled giggles from his captors, “I never kidnapped anyone. I’m definitely claiming days-off in lieu for this.”

Serwotka’s captors are said to be a terrorist group of international-business travellers - who collectively - have spent over five years standing in immigration queues at Heathrow in 2012. Serwotka’s threat to strike during the Olympics was believed to be the last straw, with statements published on the group’s website claiming: “This selfish bastard is already a dead man.”

It is unclear as to how the terrorists are treating Serwotka. Rumours on social media suggest he is being constantly prodded and asked “Do you get it yet?”

Other reports have indicated that the terrorists have taken to playing the Alanis Morissette song, ‘Ironic’, in the hope that Serwotka may take a hint and finally see the irony. Sadly, most commentators concede that the choice of the famous Morissette tune was probably not a good one (owing to the lack of references to actual irony) with some suggesting ‘I’m the Leader of a Gang’ by Gary Glitter to be more suitable.

MAGICIAN ARRESTED FOR IMPREGNATING MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE

The magic world’s latest phenomenon, Dynamo, was arrested at Bishopsgate Police Station in London on Tuesday. Dynamo was charged under section 23 of the Rascal Act, for the crime of impregnating women without their knowledge or consent.

The Bradford born magician has wowed street audiences the world over with his understated personality and unmatched ability to place large objects inside small places without anyone’s knowledge or consent. However, in the last few weeks several female members of the public have come forward saying that Dynamo has in fact impregnated them, without their knowledge or consent.
One victim described how she met Dynamo on the street as he was performing a magic trick for members of the public.

“He had just finished pulling a playing card out of this woman’s eye and then he turned to me,” said the victim. She explained how Dynamo fixed his gaze upon her and placed his hands near her stomach.

“He had his hands flat and they were near my stomach, then he just kept them there and stared at me.”

It was then that Dynamo began asking whether she could feel his hands getting hot; and to her astonishment, his hands were smouldering. Then quick as a flash, Dynamo retracted his hands, turned and walked away, glancing over his shoulder to say:

“You’re preggers love.”

A day later the victim discovered she was indeed pregnant - much to the horror of her husband. She immediately reported the case to the Police and was shocked to discover that she was but one of many similar cases. Dynamo is alleged to have repeated this pernicious trick several times at various locations across the country. Disconcertingly, he is said to have performed the trick a number of times in Newcastle - which has created a unique set of problems, as one local Police sergeant conceded:

“Girls are pretty loose round here,” the sergeant explained, “they would have trouble isolating one particular pregnancy that took place without their knowledge, so it makes it pretty difficult for us.”

It is no doubt that Dynamo’s apprehension by the Police represents a huge decrease in the threat faced by members of the public. However the case remains open, as residents in Newcastle have been asked to stay vigilant over the next few years for the arrival of toddlers with suspiciously large blue-eyes - which may lead to further charges being brought against Dynamo.

CONFLICTING UNEMPLOYMENT FIGURES CAUSE CELEBRATION AND DEATH IN WESTMINSTER

Conflicting unemployment figures released yesterday – showing a rise in long term unemployment but a fall in overall unemployment – caused confusion across Westminster, with tragic results.

Employment minister Chris Gaping was ecstatic at the news of falling overall unemployment, but seemingly oblivious to the long-term outlook. He was seen revelling raucously in the House of Commons bar, cavorting with Tory temptress Louise Hench. After downing a shot of Sambuca – and with a lit cigarette in hand – Gaping expressed his delight at the latest unemployment figures.

“I’m fucking loving it mate, we’ve cut every public service in half, but because of these shitty Olympics the last government secured – we’re smashing up the unemployment figures!” he said, as he cheekily smacked Ms. Hench’s rear, “I’m not sure what’s going to happen after the Olympics though, my deputy deals with that.”

Gaping’s Deputy Charles Chester had been charged with the task of presenting the long-term prognosis to the cabinet later in the week. Sadly, following publication of the long-term unemployment figures, Chester was found to have hung himself in his office - suspended from the ceiling by his tie and clutching a copy of the figures in his hand. Mr. Chester’s secretary, Susan Frump, expressed her shock at his death and explained how the tragic events unfolded.

“I went in yesterday to give him the long-term unemployment figures,” said Ms. Frump, “I came back a short while later and he had hung himself!”

Ms. Frump stated that she thought it was odd Mr. Chester had hung himself, given how happy Mr. Gaping seemed to be. Ms. Frump then went on to explain that the issuing of figures that provide such conflicting messages was bound to have confusing and sometimes tragic consequences.

“I don’t see why they had to say anything really,” she mused, casually removing Mr. Chester’s belongings from his desk, “now I have to plan a celebration dinner and a funeral.”

SHOCK REVELATION AT PRESS INQUIRY AS LEVESON ADMITS HE CAN’T BE ARSED ANYMORE

Midway through its nine hundred and eighty forth day, the Leveson Inquiry saw its biggest challenge yet, as Lord Leveson himself admitted, he really couldn’t be arsed with it anymore.

Following the release and examination of another damning piece of evidence against the tabloid press, Lord Leveson shocked onlookers as he interrupted Robert Jay QC to say:

“Oh for fucks sake, I can’t be arsed with this shit anymore.”

The normally cool and calculated Jay was clearly taken aback; but with faultless professionalism he remained within court etiquette and politely enquired as to the reason for the Lord’s revelation.

“Because we know everyone is guilty, you don’t have to go on and on!” Leveson boomed, smacking his forehead, “Wouldn’t it just be quicker to send everyone to jail? We could be done in a matter of days. Summary justice exists for a reason doesn’t it?”

Leveson then stormed out of the room amidst a chorus of gasps, leaving a trail of scattered papers in his wake. As he opened the door to leave he turned back and said:

“You lot piss me off. All of you.”

Members of the inquiry, lawyers and visiting members of the press were left guessing as to Leveson’s sudden change of heart; though speculation was rife. Many reasons were suggested; from disillusion at the failure of the enquiry to bring about real change in the press - to the health of Lord Leveson himself. One explanation however, seemed to have the largest number of subscribers.

“When he first opened the inquiry in November, he thought it would all be over by now,” said one lawyer, a concerned look gripping her face, “as I understand it he has tickets for the 100m final and he doesn’t want to miss it.” She then nodded solemnly as she confessed: “He just loves Usain Bolt.”

BRITISH BANKING ASSOCIATION TO REPLACE ‘GENTLEMAN’S CLUB’ LIBOR SETTING ARRANGEMENT WITH DAILY LOTTERY

In the wake of the Libor fixing scandal, the British Banking Association (‘BBA’) has been compelled to seek a new way of generating its daily inter-bank lending rate. The BBA previously presided over a system where banks themselves would convene at the Velvet Pussy Lounge for daily cigars and brandy; and submit what they felt the lending rate should be - based on their own assessment of their balance sheets.  However, news that banks have been manipulating this system has led to calls for widespread changes; with the BBA now saying that the daily Libor rates will instead be decided by a daily lottery.

“We intend to randomly select the numbers comprising the Libor rate,” said Mark Stark of the BBA, “I know someone with an old bingo machine, so we can probably use that.”

When questioned as to why a lottery method was to be used, Stark’s response was stark:

“It’s the only way we can guarantee that the banks won’t try and cheat the system for their own benefit,” he grimaced, adding “the macro-economic turmoil that this may cause is a small price to pay.”

It has been rumoured that Dale Winton will host the daily lottery, which will be televised every morning live on BBC Breakfast. The Director-General of the BBC is viewing the policy change positively:

“We are looking at this as a very exciting opportunity,” he said, “particularly for Dale, as everyone knows he is a world-class lottery presenter and an avid day-trader in the commodities market.”

The banks’ reception of the news has been luke-warm; with some believing that the system will not last, and others feeling even if it does – someone will soon find a way of cheating it.

We questioned an unnamed trader from an investment bank in London about his feelings on the policy change, to which he replied:

“Shine my shoe you c***********nt!”

TWITTER RACIST JAILED FOR CALLING FOOTBALLER A ‘BUM FACE’

In a turbulent day at the Thames Magistrates Court in London, racist Twitter user Enoch Jowell was handed down a six-month custodial sentence for repeatedly calling Chelsea defender, Ashley Cole, a ‘bum face’.

Jowell, a sheet metal-worker from West Bromwich, ‘tweeted’ Mr Cole on more than twenty occasions calling him a ‘bum face.’ Mr Cole is understood to have been so distraught by the campaign of harassment; he was barely able to commit any marital infidelities during this time.

Lord Justice Curmutheonley-Stein  described Jowell’s actions as “a disgusting outburst of racist vitriol”. He added: “you have clearly and with due calculation, sought to undermine Mr Cole’s confidence with your use of such slurs, which were undoubtedly of a racial dimension.”

Jowell was unavailable for comment, but colleagues at the sheet-metal plant in West Bromwich where he was formerly employed, spoke at length about Mr Jowell’s character.

“We always suspected he was a violent racist,” one colleague said, removing his flat cap as a sign of respect to Cole, “he’s always eating white bread, drinks white coffee whilst he wears a white shirt – it’s too obvious.”

Mr Cole, speaking after the hearing, was in a triumphant mood:

 “I have always said that calling me a bum face, or a twat face, or a dick face or anything else to do with my face, is just plain racist,” he said, as he groped his way through a bevy of underage girls, “Just stick to talking about football – unless you say I’m shit, in which case you’re probably racist.”