“SHOULDN’T YOU AT LEAST CLEAN THAT BIBLE?” SAYS BEWILDERED CHILD TO PRIEST

Priests in the UK are 4 times more likely to molest children than they are to impart any amount of theological instruction to anyone, a recent report commissioned by the Daily Sport has found. The report surveyed a thousand people who attended Church as children, with only 10% of respondents admitting to ever having learned anything theological from their priest. However, a staggering 40% of respondents did admit to having being molested by their priest, with 5% of respondents answering that they though molestation was part of communion.

The Church of England was quick to respond to the report, immediately issuing a statement:

“We are thoroughly encouraged by the report, which said that only 40% of children were molested by their priest. This is a significant fall on the 90% figure that emerged from the last report of this kind.”

The Catholic Archdiocese quickly followed suit, with Cardinal Sins stating unequivocally:

“I couldn’t give a shit.”

Children’s rights groups were quick to denounce the Church for the findings of the report, with some suggesting an Operation Yewtree style operation should be undertaken to uncover possible instances of historic abuse. A spokesman from the Department of Justice said “We literally don’t have enough courts in England and Wales to cope with that kind of caseload.”

Children’s charity Chairperson, Barah Gopardifofree spoke to press from her donor funded rooftop swimming pool:

“We at the Children’s charity have fought for many victims of abuse,” said Gopardifofree whilst sipping a glass of vintage champagne, “I hired my daughter to look into this, and after three years of working 2 hours a week, she helped 2 kids obtain free counselling on the NHS. It was definitely worth paying her the 100k salary…”

"Fetch that pew cushion little boy..."

NOVAK DJOKOVIC LEFT DIZZY AFTER SMELLING A ‘VIRULENT FART’ ON COURT

World No. 1 and current Wimbledon champion, Novak Djokovic, was forced to stop his second round clash at the Rogers Cup in Montreal after catching a face-full of someone’s fart. Djokovic was visibly in discomfort and claimed he felt dizzy after catching a malevolent whiff of fart that had drifted on to Court No. 1.

“Can you smell that? It smells like boiled cabbage?” a teary eyed Djokovic complained to the line judge, “Somebody is farting, right here. It's unbelievable. It smells so bad I can’t concentrate.”

Djokovic’s opponent denied reports that he was seen eating a curry the night before, and offered to undergo testing to show he hadn’t farted at the time Djokovic broke down. The World No. 1 quickly recovered to win the match in straight sets, but rushed into his dressing room immediately upon the match’s conclusion to check if his eye brows had been singed.

In the press conference after the match, the Wimbledon Champion was more relaxed about the incident, but warned that controls need to be tightened to ensure such a thing didn’t happen again.

“They can’t expect us to play world class tennis when you are smelling farts and god knows what else,” said Djokovic, placing a needle into the kneecap of his Andy Murray doll, “I mean they got to stop all smells really, all sounds too. In fact, it’s about time that they just stopped letting people watch the games.” 

Djokovic is said to have seen his life flash before his eyes.

MAN SMOKING CIGARETTE ON STATION PLATFORM BRANDED "THE BIGGEST REBEL OF ALL TIME"

A man who regularly lights up a morning cigarette on the platform of Devons Road DLR station has been branded "the biggest rebel of all time". The man’s brazen disregard for the nation's smoking laws is said to be the most strident example of anti-establishmentarianism since the time Jeremy Corbyn mooned Michael Heseltine in Westminster Hall.

“He just doesn’t care,” said fellow commuter, Janet Fuxley, “Most of us though he was vaping, and it’s an open platform so who cares. But when we realised he was actually smoking , we all thought, woah, this guy is a fucking rebel.”

The man is said to be an office worker at a bank or law firm in Canary Wharf. It is unclear what has made this otherwise functioning member of society become such a dangerous outlaw, but local law enforcement has already issued posters offering a reward for information about him.

“I know that it’s wrong to do it, but oh my god,” continued a dough eyed Fuxley, “I love a rebel! He’s like James Dean or Brian Harvey from East-17. Enigmatic and irresistible.”  

An artist's rendition of the smoking man of Devons Road.

VIRGINIA POLICE OFFICER ACCIDENTALLY FAILS TO KILL BLACK PERSON WHEN SHOOTING HIM

A Virginia police officer inadvertently failed to kill an unarmed black civilian, when shooting him for a minor misdemeanour in Richmond last night. Officer Ray Sissed was reported to have shot unarmed black teenager, Demarkevius LaShawn Jackson-Thomas, following an altercation outside of a convenience store on the outskirts of Richmond.

“I saw the suspect leave the store with what looked like a can of soda in his hands,” said Officer Sissed, squirting a wad of soggy wad of tobacco from his mouth into a nearby spittoon, “I of course assumed that he stole that can of soda at gunpoint so I proceeded to try and apprehend the suspect. When he failed to respond to my whispered calls of ‘stop’, I pulled out my gun and started shooting.”

Sissed explained that inexplicably, he ignored all his previous training on how to shoot an unarmed black civilian, and shot LaShawn Jackson-Thomas in the leg thereby rendering him immobile and no longer a threat. When Sissed realised what he had done, he was said to have been inconsolable.

“When I realised I didn’t put six bullets in the back of his head for a crime he may or may not have committed, I knew it was time for me to take a break from policing,” said a tearful Sissed, “I just want to be able to protect and serve the right way. The American way.”

Richmond police officers await a black teenager alleged to have used the 'F word'.

RECORD RISE IN CITY BREAK BOOKINGS FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF ANOTHER TUBE STRIKE

Travel agents across London have experienced an unprecedented rise in bookings for city breaks following the announcement of another tube strike due to take place this week. Travel agents believe the rise represents a growing trend amongst Londoners to use the increasing number of strike days to have a long weekend or a short break away.

“It’s basically like having another bank holiday,” said Thomas Cook spokesman, Tom Cook, “ Most people will no doubt be informing their employers that they will be working from home on the strike day, but really, it’s likely they will be taking advantage of some of our fabulous getaway offers.”

London office worker, Sharon Farronbarron, said that the strike was the perfect opportunity for office workers across the capital to cool their heels for a day, whilst also being able to exhibit disingenuous indignation at the actions of the unions.

“It’s great,” said Farron, browsing through Groupon offers to use on the day of the strike, “I get to treat myself AND I get to act all high and mighty by calling those union workers a bunch of lazy, overpaid bastards trying to ruin the lives of hard working people like me…. Ooh, look, half price spa day!”

The sign at Waterloo Underground Station manages to hypnotise hundreds of commuters.

VETERANS CELEBRATE THE USE OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS BY REMEMBERING VJ DAY

Literally pairs of veterans gathered to remember VJ day at events around the country, staged to commemorate the destruction of Japanese cities by the deployment of nuclear weapons, and Japan’s eventual surrender in World War 2. Seventy years ago, the day also marked the release of thousands of British POWs, held in Japanese prison camps.

“It’s a bloody disgrace how they treated the POWs,” said former Royal Navy officer, Barney O’Mahoney, “I mean sure, we dropped a nuke on them and slaughtered thousands of civilians, but seriously, it’s about time they apologised.”

The Tory government echoed this sentiment, issuing a statement saying that Japan should still feel remorse for the disgraceful way it treated its POWs. The Japanese Ambassador in London is said to have responded by delivering a book titled “British Colonial History” and a list of countries waiting for apologies to the Foreign Office.

“We can’t forget the bravery of Britain and her allies in their bitter struggle to bring the  Japanese conflict to a close,” said defence spokesman Lance Kinderfrau, “It took courage to drop those A-bombs, and we remember that every VJ day.”

Sticking it to the Japs.

FEARS OF CLAIRE BALDING’S IMMINENT WORLD DOMINATION GRADUALLY SUBSIDE

The world has breathed a sigh of relief at news that Wimbledon2day, the latest show in the endless run of BBC produced Claire Balding-a-thons, is to be axed and replaced by the eminently more popular and palatable “steaming pile of shit in front of a brick wall.” The BBC is said to have received more complaints about the highlight show than the time the British National Party were allowed to host CeeBeebies, with Wimbledon2day producer, Emmenthal Untersachel, calling the show’s response “a furious, unrelenting torrent of completely rational hatred.”

After her perceived success at presenting the London 2012 Olympics, Claire Balding saw a meteoric rise in visibility, branching out beyond just sport into programmes like Comic Relief, the National Lottery, Eastenders and even the weather. On one day in May 2014, Claire Balding was said to have presented for 89% of the time broadcast on BBC 1 during a 24 hour period. With the revamped Wimbledon highlights show added to her roster, many felt that Claire Balding’s world domination was inevitable.

“I’d already heard that she was recording all the Sat Nav voices for Tom Tom and Garmin, the in-flight safety messages on BA, Emirates and Virgin. My daughter is even taking a GCSE in Claire Balding next year,” said long-time Wimbledon fan, Stanley Gutthare, “I thought it wouldn’t be long before everywhere you looked you’d see her trademark brand of awkward toffishness and shit haircuts. When the show was axed I’m not ashamed to say I cried with joy. I held my daughter and we just cried and cried. We were so happy.” 

Balding decides to coin another hashtag.