JUSTIN BIEBER TO BUNK WITH EDWARD SNOWDEN TILL SH*T CALMS DOWN

The teenage Canadian pop sensation is facing the wrath of the American public following a string of recent incidents showcasing his unmistakably bad-boy style. Drag races in Lamborghinis (though some witnesses say they were really Lamborghini races in drag), driving under the influence of drugs and assaulting limo drivers: Bieber’s unfettered desire to be the world’s greatest rouge and bounder shows no sign of abating.

Bieber’s self-imposed re-brand of himself, from being a pube-free teenage-girl tempter, to a steroid-fuelled, reverse-baseball-cap-wearing jack*ss, has caused much consternation in the American showbiz community.  Some are saying that it is only a matter of time before the juiced-up Canadian warbler has a showdown with another steroid-induced self-styled bad-boy, Shia Leboeuf. Tentative predictions from bookmakers suggest that in a fight, it is likely that both parties would come out losing. Leboeuf was unavailable for comment, recovering in hospital after a scuffle he had in London, where following the consumption of an entire half-pint of beer, he picked a fight with the front row of the Harlequins rugby team.

Understandably, Justin Bieber’s management team are keen to keep their star away from further trouble, and following news of a petition, comprised of 10,000 signatures, demanding Bieber’s expulsion from the US, his management team feel they have no option other than to take Bieber into hiding until “sh*t calms down.”

“Fortunately for us, everyone is a fan of Justin’s music, and Vladimir Putin is no exception,” a perma-tanned PR representative for Bieber commented, “Apparently he likes to listen to his album when he’s hunting shirtless, or riding horseback shirtless, or even attending the Kremlin shirtless. He was more than happy to accommodate Justin in his hour of need”.

Snowden's alternative to bunking with Bieber

The Canadian pop sensation will be whisked to the secret location in Russia where wikileaks fugitive Edward Snowden is currently hiding. Snowden however, has reportedly not taken the news well. Immediately upon discovering his fate, he requested for a batch of ricin capsules to be sent to his quarters by the KGB, and is now said to be strongly considering extradition to the US, despite the severity of punishment that such a move would bring. 

ONE DIRECTION CANCEL NORTH KOREA TOUR FOLLOWING RODMAN INVESTIGATION

One Direction have been forced to cancel their upcoming tour of North Korea, following news that Dennis Rodman is to be investigated for breaking sanctions during his visit to Pyongyang. The North Korean Premier, Kim Jong-Un, is said to be heartbroken, having “waited ages” for the tour, and even getting a tattoo of teenage heartthrob, Harry Styles, on his right pectoral. However, the potential for punitive measures being taken against Rodman has put-off other prospective visitors, including pre-pubescent girl-bate super-group, One Direction.

The company managing One Direction’s tours, X-ploitatainment Productions, are equally disappointed, making the decision reluctantly after hours of pained deliberation. A spokesman for the company explained how they had prepared assiduously for the tour, visiting Pyongyang frequently to prepare venues, transporting enriched uranium to carry favours, and even educating the boy-band members in the basics of communist philosophy. The entire band were suitably brain-washed within fifteen minutes, but the process has been a little tough to reverse.

“Oh I totally get it now,” said Styles in a recent press-conference, “We can’t do this because of the international capital system and the dialectical materialistication. And decadence. And… yeah, that is all.” 

But whilst disappointment reigned, the spokesman for X-ploitatainment tried to put a positive spin on the situation.

“We haven’t given up on North Korea yet,” said the spokesman, “We plan to appeal to the UN as we hear Ban-Ki Moon is a massive fan, particularly of Louis and Zayn. We’ll probably throw together a little presentation for him, maybe get the boys to sing ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ whilst playing with their hair straighteners, you know, something awesome.”

Kim Jong-Un hears of One Direction's tour cancellation.

MAN FROM THE FUTURE LAUGHS HIS ASS OFF AT UK’S CLIMATE CHANGE POLICY

Following the revelation that spending to combat climate change has fallen some 41% under Coalition environment secretary, Owen Paterson, amidst growing suspicions of 'climate skepticism' in the government, a time-travelling man from the future is reported to have laughed his ass-off with disbelief. Time-travelling resident of the year 2614, Sal Webdesignerman, was seen rolling about on the floor in hysterics in the middle of Leicester Square, after he picked up a copy of a newspaper during his two week holiday in 2014.

“Well I always wanted to visit the early 21^st century; in the future this is certainly viewed as one of the most hilarious periods in history,” said Sal, crouched in a sitting pose, having evolved to do so through five hundred years of sedentary living, “I mean alcohol is still legal, but weed isn't, straight people who are murderers can get married, but gay people who are nice can’t; and some people still think climate change is bullshit! It’s fucking hilarious man.”

The 27^th century tourist went on to ask whether 21^st century folk still thought the world was flat; and discovering that only some of them did, vowed to make another holiday to a time or place where everyone did – like 14^th century Europe, or 21^st century Utah.

A Tory spokesman from DEFRA scoffed at the reaction from Webdesignerman, saying in a press conference, “Ha! What does a man from the future know about what’s going to happen? Bloody Trotskyist clap-trap, requisitionist hullabulloo, heresiarchal gobbledy-gook! Who wants to listen to that?”

The environment secretary was unavailable for comment, busy with his visit to Somerset to speak with flood-ravaged locals. But inadvertently-homoerotic novelist and ardent climate-change-denier, James Delingpole, spoke out defiantly against Webdesignerman's words, "Just because a man from the future, who has seen what will happen in the next five-hundred years, has said that climate change will happen; there is still no real evidence that it's going to happen, in the way that the dandified, Guardian-reading, bourgeois-left are saying."  

Climate-change skeptic James Delingpole insists that
 outdoor-badminton is still on the cards.

NIGEL FARAGE LOOKS TO FORM EU ALTERNATIVE ‘EUWAT?’

Nigel Farage has used his wave of dubiously acquired popularity to announce another measure which he hopes will attract more disaffected voters. Farage has outlined plans to form a breakaway group of EU states, for governments in Europe that share UKIP’s mind-set of xenophobia and irrational hatred of unthreatening minorities. The UKIP leader hopes to establish the European Union of Wankers, Assholes and Twats, or ‘EUWAT?’ for short (Farage claims the question mark has been added for aggressive emphasis). 

As with most of his back-of-a-fag-packet policies, rival politicians have responded with a mixture of disbelief and disgust, alongside complete ignorance of it even happening.

“You what?” said a Tory spokesman for Europe, “Oh ‘EUWAT?’. No, we don’t give a shit about that. Unless… if we give a shit about it, can we cut more welfare spending? We can’t? Oh ok, yeah we don’t give a shit about it then.”

Farage has batted away his rival’s attempt to trivialise his plans, saying the faux-dismissive nature of their statements belies a genuine fear of the right-wing party, which continues to grow like a virulent colonic fungus that is hideously out of control.

“I don’t care if everyone says my ideas are bullshit! It’s because they are scared!” said Farage at a press-conference, which was hosted in an East-End pub alongside a cockfight, “And besides, if I get elected we won’t be using my ideas anyway. I’m going to buy all my policy online from some bloke on Gumtree! Then I can be free to wave goodbye to the immigrants when they leave!”

Farage hears a puerile joke about the late Nelson Mandela.

DIANE ABBOTT STARS IN HEART-BREAKING EPISODE OF CATFISH

The Labour MP Diane Abbott starred in a heart-breaking episode of the MTV series, Catfish, which was aired in the UK last week. The programme is the latest in a host of exploitative garbage - dished out like turds in baguettes -by the former music television company MTV, which aim to humiliate as much as possible, some of the stupidest people on earth. In Catfish, the show’s presenters investigate worryingly naive people’s online relationships with people they have never met before (normally because that person doesn’t exist, is not the gender they said they were, or suffers from Jerry-Springer-level obesity).

Dianne Abbott meets Catfish presenters Nev and Max

Abbott had contacted the show’s presenters, Nev Shulman and Max Joseph, concerning a six-month online relationship she was having with a twenty-three year-old unemployed Texan woman named Alicia. The former Shadow-Minister for Health had exchanged frequent love messages to her Texan girlfriend but had never met her face-to-face. After travelling to Texas to meet Alicia, the MP for Hackey North and Stoke Newington was horrified to discover that she had indeed been ‘Catfished’.

Upon meeting Abbott, Alicia – who appeared some twenty-stone larger than her Facebook selfies - burst into a furious tirade, denying ever feeling anything for Abbott and saying that the whole affair had been a ruse to extort money from her. The Cambridge-graduate and veteran parliamentarian was mortified; particularly in light of the six hundred dollars she had sent to Alicia believing it to be for a phone to call her on.

Diane Abbott is yet to recover.

Abbott’s Labour colleagues in the UK have expressed sorrow and regret at Abbott’s situation:

“I feel so bad for her, it could happen to anyone,” said Bethnal Green councillor Craig Kryponfactor, “Thing is, someone in her position should probably have known better. I mean come on! She hadn’t even seen her on webcam!”

To watch a clip of the show click here

COALITION PLAN TO REPLACE P.E. IN SCHOOLS WITH INSANITY WORKOUT

Children as young as five are to be required to complete the full six-week Insanity workout instead of taking P.E. lessons at school. An Education spokesman said the move was to tackle the rise in early onset obesity, which has already caused over two hundred thousand classroom chairs to become obsolete. Once settled into year 2 at school, children will be issued with their Insanity workout DVDs and wallcharts, and will attend a video briefing from Shawn T himself.

“We are going to achieve insane results, insaaaanely early!” said T, applying a thin coating of baby oil to his frighteningly sculpted torso, “I wanna see tight abs, I wanna see strong thighs, I wanna to see powerful arms and I wanna see bulging pectorals! All before the kids enter year 3, when they can then concentrate on reading and shit.”

Inevitably, the government’s extreme measure has been met with fury from parents and schools across the country. A group of disaffected parents and teachers protested against the changes by ‘not exercising’ in front of the Ministry of Education, ‘celebrating’ their insalubriousness by lying about smoking fags and drinking. The rabble was quickly dispersed however, following the tactical deployment of a burger van by the Police, which soon prompted many of the group to abandon their protests and seek a cheeseburger.

Some commentators however, have taken a very different view of the government’s proposed initiatives. Conspiracy theorist and far-right blogger Wal Parannoyd, says the Coalition is in fact trying to create a master race of warrior children - who will grow up to become the Spartans of the modern era - in order to combat Britain’s rapidly shrinking military capabilities.

“Just the other day Robert Gates said that Britain’s military may soon fall short of many others around it,” said Parannoyed, “If you can’t spend money on high-tech equipment, you are left with no other option. You have to create a master race.”  

The average fat kid in 2025.

CITY NEWS: Shares in the company Maximuscle rose eight percent in one day, following a further announcement that said millk/juice provisions in schools will be replaced by creatine enriched protein shakes and thermabol capsules. 

ITALIAN POLITICIAN'S BULLSHIT CAUSES PRICE OF LOCAL FERTILISER TO FALL

Following a ridiculous, racist and xenophobic invective from Northern League politician, Gianluca Buonanno - where the Italian MP ‘blacked-up’ to deliver a stinging denunciation of immigrants - a sudden glut of bullshit has caused prices of local agricultural fertiliser to fall.

“Stupid Buonanno is creating so much bullshit, it’s pushing my fertiliser price through the floor!” said Fertiliser salesman, Luigi Vendocrapizzi, “Farmers know that bullshit is the best fertiliser known to man, and Buonanno is giving away a lot for free right now.”

Fertiliser prices have remained steady in recent times in Italy, following years of yo-yo pricing under the irrepressible Sylvio Berlusconi’s government. His frequent brushes with the law and public pronouncements of innocence, created some of the most potent bullshit in Europe. Though these periodic excesses of bullshit depressed the price of fertiliser, Italy’s agriculture flourished.

For many years the Greek economy was run on the equally effective ‘piss-taking’ fertiliser, which is high in ammonia. With the state ‘taking the piss’ so much with regards to its fiscal and social policy, ammonia rich fertiliser was abound in the Mediterranean country, and the nation’s crops flourished. Sadly, the majority of the population continued to take the piss, and consumed all of the crops themselves.

The contents of Gianluca Buonanno's speech on immigration.