MAN FROM THE FUTURE LAUGHS HIS ASS OFF AT UK’S CLIMATE CHANGE POLICY

Following the revelation that spending to combat climate change has fallen some 41% under Coalition environment secretary, Owen Paterson, amidst growing suspicions of 'climate skepticism' in the government, a time-travelling man from the future is reported to have laughed his ass-off with disbelief. Time-travelling resident of the year 2614, Sal Webdesignerman, was seen rolling about on the floor in hysterics in the middle of Leicester Square, after he picked up a copy of a newspaper during his two week holiday in 2014.

“Well I always wanted to visit the early 21^st century; in the future this is certainly viewed as one of the most hilarious periods in history,” said Sal, crouched in a sitting pose, having evolved to do so through five hundred years of sedentary living, “I mean alcohol is still legal, but weed isn't, straight people who are murderers can get married, but gay people who are nice can’t; and some people still think climate change is bullshit! It’s fucking hilarious man.”

The 27^th century tourist went on to ask whether 21^st century folk still thought the world was flat; and discovering that only some of them did, vowed to make another holiday to a time or place where everyone did – like 14^th century Europe, or 21^st century Utah.

A Tory spokesman from DEFRA scoffed at the reaction from Webdesignerman, saying in a press conference, “Ha! What does a man from the future know about what’s going to happen? Bloody Trotskyist clap-trap, requisitionist hullabulloo, heresiarchal gobbledy-gook! Who wants to listen to that?”

The environment secretary was unavailable for comment, busy with his visit to Somerset to speak with flood-ravaged locals. But inadvertently-homoerotic novelist and ardent climate-change-denier, James Delingpole, spoke out defiantly against Webdesignerman's words, "Just because a man from the future, who has seen what will happen in the next five-hundred years, has said that climate change will happen; there is still no real evidence that it's going to happen, in the way that the dandified, Guardian-reading, bourgeois-left are saying."  

Climate-change skeptic James Delingpole insists that
 outdoor-badminton is still on the cards.

NIGEL FARAGE LOOKS TO FORM EU ALTERNATIVE ‘EUWAT?’

Nigel Farage has used his wave of dubiously acquired popularity to announce another measure which he hopes will attract more disaffected voters. Farage has outlined plans to form a breakaway group of EU states, for governments in Europe that share UKIP’s mind-set of xenophobia and irrational hatred of unthreatening minorities. The UKIP leader hopes to establish the European Union of Wankers, Assholes and Twats, or ‘EUWAT?’ for short (Farage claims the question mark has been added for aggressive emphasis). 

As with most of his back-of-a-fag-packet policies, rival politicians have responded with a mixture of disbelief and disgust, alongside complete ignorance of it even happening.

“You what?” said a Tory spokesman for Europe, “Oh ‘EUWAT?’. No, we don’t give a shit about that. Unless… if we give a shit about it, can we cut more welfare spending? We can’t? Oh ok, yeah we don’t give a shit about it then.”

Farage has batted away his rival’s attempt to trivialise his plans, saying the faux-dismissive nature of their statements belies a genuine fear of the right-wing party, which continues to grow like a virulent colonic fungus that is hideously out of control.

“I don’t care if everyone says my ideas are bullshit! It’s because they are scared!” said Farage at a press-conference, which was hosted in an East-End pub alongside a cockfight, “And besides, if I get elected we won’t be using my ideas anyway. I’m going to buy all my policy online from some bloke on Gumtree! Then I can be free to wave goodbye to the immigrants when they leave!”

Farage hears a puerile joke about the late Nelson Mandela.

DIANE ABBOTT STARS IN HEART-BREAKING EPISODE OF CATFISH

The Labour MP Diane Abbott starred in a heart-breaking episode of the MTV series, Catfish, which was aired in the UK last week. The programme is the latest in a host of exploitative garbage - dished out like turds in baguettes -by the former music television company MTV, which aim to humiliate as much as possible, some of the stupidest people on earth. In Catfish, the show’s presenters investigate worryingly naive people’s online relationships with people they have never met before (normally because that person doesn’t exist, is not the gender they said they were, or suffers from Jerry-Springer-level obesity).

Dianne Abbott meets Catfish presenters Nev and Max

Abbott had contacted the show’s presenters, Nev Shulman and Max Joseph, concerning a six-month online relationship she was having with a twenty-three year-old unemployed Texan woman named Alicia. The former Shadow-Minister for Health had exchanged frequent love messages to her Texan girlfriend but had never met her face-to-face. After travelling to Texas to meet Alicia, the MP for Hackey North and Stoke Newington was horrified to discover that she had indeed been ‘Catfished’.

Upon meeting Abbott, Alicia – who appeared some twenty-stone larger than her Facebook selfies - burst into a furious tirade, denying ever feeling anything for Abbott and saying that the whole affair had been a ruse to extort money from her. The Cambridge-graduate and veteran parliamentarian was mortified; particularly in light of the six hundred dollars she had sent to Alicia believing it to be for a phone to call her on.

Diane Abbott is yet to recover.

Abbott’s Labour colleagues in the UK have expressed sorrow and regret at Abbott’s situation:

“I feel so bad for her, it could happen to anyone,” said Bethnal Green councillor Craig Kryponfactor, “Thing is, someone in her position should probably have known better. I mean come on! She hadn’t even seen her on webcam!”

To watch a clip of the show click here

COALITION PLAN TO REPLACE P.E. IN SCHOOLS WITH INSANITY WORKOUT

Children as young as five are to be required to complete the full six-week Insanity workout instead of taking P.E. lessons at school. An Education spokesman said the move was to tackle the rise in early onset obesity, which has already caused over two hundred thousand classroom chairs to become obsolete. Once settled into year 2 at school, children will be issued with their Insanity workout DVDs and wallcharts, and will attend a video briefing from Shawn T himself.

“We are going to achieve insane results, insaaaanely early!” said T, applying a thin coating of baby oil to his frighteningly sculpted torso, “I wanna see tight abs, I wanna see strong thighs, I wanna to see powerful arms and I wanna see bulging pectorals! All before the kids enter year 3, when they can then concentrate on reading and shit.”

Inevitably, the government’s extreme measure has been met with fury from parents and schools across the country. A group of disaffected parents and teachers protested against the changes by ‘not exercising’ in front of the Ministry of Education, ‘celebrating’ their insalubriousness by lying about smoking fags and drinking. The rabble was quickly dispersed however, following the tactical deployment of a burger van by the Police, which soon prompted many of the group to abandon their protests and seek a cheeseburger.

Some commentators however, have taken a very different view of the government’s proposed initiatives. Conspiracy theorist and far-right blogger Wal Parannoyd, says the Coalition is in fact trying to create a master race of warrior children - who will grow up to become the Spartans of the modern era - in order to combat Britain’s rapidly shrinking military capabilities.

“Just the other day Robert Gates said that Britain’s military may soon fall short of many others around it,” said Parannoyed, “If you can’t spend money on high-tech equipment, you are left with no other option. You have to create a master race.”  

The average fat kid in 2025.

CITY NEWS: Shares in the company Maximuscle rose eight percent in one day, following a further announcement that said millk/juice provisions in schools will be replaced by creatine enriched protein shakes and thermabol capsules. 

ITALIAN POLITICIAN'S BULLSHIT CAUSES PRICE OF LOCAL FERTILISER TO FALL

Following a ridiculous, racist and xenophobic invective from Northern League politician, Gianluca Buonanno - where the Italian MP ‘blacked-up’ to deliver a stinging denunciation of immigrants - a sudden glut of bullshit has caused prices of local agricultural fertiliser to fall.

“Stupid Buonanno is creating so much bullshit, it’s pushing my fertiliser price through the floor!” said Fertiliser salesman, Luigi Vendocrapizzi, “Farmers know that bullshit is the best fertiliser known to man, and Buonanno is giving away a lot for free right now.”

Fertiliser prices have remained steady in recent times in Italy, following years of yo-yo pricing under the irrepressible Sylvio Berlusconi’s government. His frequent brushes with the law and public pronouncements of innocence, created some of the most potent bullshit in Europe. Though these periodic excesses of bullshit depressed the price of fertiliser, Italy’s agriculture flourished.

For many years the Greek economy was run on the equally effective ‘piss-taking’ fertiliser, which is high in ammonia. With the state ‘taking the piss’ so much with regards to its fiscal and social policy, ammonia rich fertiliser was abound in the Mediterranean country, and the nation’s crops flourished. Sadly, the majority of the population continued to take the piss, and consumed all of the crops themselves.

The contents of Gianluca Buonanno's speech on immigration.

KEN LIVINGSTONE’S VOICE TO BE PLAYED AT LONDON TUBE STATIONS TO WARD AWAY DRUG DEALERS

Mayor of London Boris Johnson has had to turn to his erstwhile Labour rival in Transport for London’s latest attempt to rid the capital’s tube stations of nefarious undesirables. The former Labour Mayor’s voice is to be played at all tube stations in ‘high risk’ areas, with the hope that Ken’s intolerably smug drawl will be too much for London’s drug dealers to take.

“No one can clear a room like Ken can,” said Mayor of London Boris Johnson, clad in a zebra-print onesie, “He can clear a room quicker than Dave Cameron did at that UKIP party I was at last week. No wait a minute, don’t tell anyone that…”

Transport for London hope that the latest initiative will improve hitherto flagging efforts.

“In the past we played classical music because we knew they hated that,” said TFL Spokesman Johnny Comelately, “But more dealers are getting into classical music, especially Brahms, so we needed a new ploy.”

Stations in Tower Hamlets, Hackney, Lambeth and Haringey are to be issued with CDs of Ken Livingston reading his 2004 book, “London Plan”, and for extreme situations where dealers are more reluctant to move, the Helen Fielding novel, “Bridget Jones’s Diary”.

“So far trials have proved very successful,” said Comelately, “When we piloted the ‘Ken reads London Plan’ CD in Turnpike Lane the station was empty of everyone within thirty seconds. We didn't have many customers that day, but hey, we kept the criminals out.”

Pilot testing of the ‘Ken reads Bridget Jones’s Diary’ CD was said to have been less successful. When tested at Bow Road station in East London, two drug dealers residing in the station immediately took their own lives, prompting another TFL spokesman to say that system still needed ‘fine tuning’.

For the seventh time in a row, Ken Livingstone listens to himself
 read 'Bridget Jones's Diary'.

MICHAEL GOVE ‘ACCIDENTALLY’ DRIVES A TANK DOWN BENEFITS STREET

Twenty-five people were taken seriously wounded following the destruction of twelve houses by tank shells, as Michael Gove - armed with a Challenger tank - went on an ‘accidental’ rampage down the now infamous James Turner Street in Birminhgam. Shortly after the divisive documentary ‘Benefits Street’ was aired on Channel Four, a tank was reported missing from an Army barracks in Birmingham. Twenty-five minutes later, as the street’s residents settled down to their vodka-WD40 nightcaps, all hell broke loose.

The Education Minister was adamant that the attack on the James Turner Street had nothing to do with the documentary, and instead was little more than an accident. He rejected the idea that he had even watched the documentary, “I was simply trying to defend an area I thought was in urgent need!” Gove said, slamming his General Jumbo comic on to the table, “However, some lazy working class people forgot to fix the tank and the bloody thing got away from me. That’s the only reason why the majority of Benefits Street, I mean James Turner Street, was completely obliterated.”

Leaked reports from Gove’s advisors however, paint a very different picture. As the documentary was about to be aired, Gove was said to have gone into his office and shut the door, intending on watching the programme in private. Moments later, a blood-curdling, sperm-killing screech was heard coming from the room.

“I was holding a glass and it smashed everywhere!” said secretary, Hillary Binton, “I loved that glass as well! It had my selfie on it! Stupid Michael Gove, why can’t he shout like everyone else?”

James Turner Street resident, Delicious Bentley, reported that Gove’s tank emerged at the top of the street with the hatch open, and Gove himself was looking out on to the street with his hands on the machine gun, dressed in a Cubs uniform complete with woggle.

“Then he just turned the turret towards the houses and bang! He smashed the place,” said Bentley, who was fortunate enough to have been evicted from her house by the council hours before the attack, “He had a maniac look on his face! I thought he was going to kill us all but it started raining so he went home.”

Channel Four have denied any responsibility for the incident, ignoring continued calls to pull the show that many have dubbed as ‘poverty porn’.

“What can we bloody do about Michael Gove?” said a Channel Four commissioning editor, “Last year he fired an RPG into a council estate because a working glass guy won The Apprentice; and no one is having a go at the BBC are they?”   

Michael Gove describes the sound of a tank to Prime Minister David Cameron.