KEN LIVINGSTONE’S VOICE TO BE PLAYED AT LONDON TUBE STATIONS TO WARD AWAY DRUG DEALERS

Mayor of London Boris Johnson has had to turn to his erstwhile Labour rival in Transport for London’s latest attempt to rid the capital’s tube stations of nefarious undesirables. The former Labour Mayor’s voice is to be played at all tube stations in ‘high risk’ areas, with the hope that Ken’s intolerably smug drawl will be too much for London’s drug dealers to take.

“No one can clear a room like Ken can,” said Mayor of London Boris Johnson, clad in a zebra-print onesie, “He can clear a room quicker than Dave Cameron did at that UKIP party I was at last week. No wait a minute, don’t tell anyone that…”

Transport for London hope that the latest initiative will improve hitherto flagging efforts.

“In the past we played classical music because we knew they hated that,” said TFL Spokesman Johnny Comelately, “But more dealers are getting into classical music, especially Brahms, so we needed a new ploy.”

Stations in Tower Hamlets, Hackney, Lambeth and Haringey are to be issued with CDs of Ken Livingston reading his 2004 book, “London Plan”, and for extreme situations where dealers are more reluctant to move, the Helen Fielding novel, “Bridget Jones’s Diary”.

“So far trials have proved very successful,” said Comelately, “When we piloted the ‘Ken reads London Plan’ CD in Turnpike Lane the station was empty of everyone within thirty seconds. We didn't have many customers that day, but hey, we kept the criminals out.”

Pilot testing of the ‘Ken reads Bridget Jones’s Diary’ CD was said to have been less successful. When tested at Bow Road station in East London, two drug dealers residing in the station immediately took their own lives, prompting another TFL spokesman to say that system still needed ‘fine tuning’.

For the seventh time in a row, Ken Livingstone listens to himself
 read 'Bridget Jones's Diary'.

MICHAEL GOVE ‘ACCIDENTALLY’ DRIVES A TANK DOWN BENEFITS STREET

Twenty-five people were taken seriously wounded following the destruction of twelve houses by tank shells, as Michael Gove - armed with a Challenger tank - went on an ‘accidental’ rampage down the now infamous James Turner Street in Birminhgam. Shortly after the divisive documentary ‘Benefits Street’ was aired on Channel Four, a tank was reported missing from an Army barracks in Birmingham. Twenty-five minutes later, as the street’s residents settled down to their vodka-WD40 nightcaps, all hell broke loose.

The Education Minister was adamant that the attack on the James Turner Street had nothing to do with the documentary, and instead was little more than an accident. He rejected the idea that he had even watched the documentary, “I was simply trying to defend an area I thought was in urgent need!” Gove said, slamming his General Jumbo comic on to the table, “However, some lazy working class people forgot to fix the tank and the bloody thing got away from me. That’s the only reason why the majority of Benefits Street, I mean James Turner Street, was completely obliterated.”

Leaked reports from Gove’s advisors however, paint a very different picture. As the documentary was about to be aired, Gove was said to have gone into his office and shut the door, intending on watching the programme in private. Moments later, a blood-curdling, sperm-killing screech was heard coming from the room.

“I was holding a glass and it smashed everywhere!” said secretary, Hillary Binton, “I loved that glass as well! It had my selfie on it! Stupid Michael Gove, why can’t he shout like everyone else?”

James Turner Street resident, Delicious Bentley, reported that Gove’s tank emerged at the top of the street with the hatch open, and Gove himself was looking out on to the street with his hands on the machine gun, dressed in a Cubs uniform complete with woggle.

“Then he just turned the turret towards the houses and bang! He smashed the place,” said Bentley, who was fortunate enough to have been evicted from her house by the council hours before the attack, “He had a maniac look on his face! I thought he was going to kill us all but it started raining so he went home.”

Channel Four have denied any responsibility for the incident, ignoring continued calls to pull the show that many have dubbed as ‘poverty porn’.

“What can we bloody do about Michael Gove?” said a Channel Four commissioning editor, “Last year he fired an RPG into a council estate because a working glass guy won The Apprentice; and no one is having a go at the BBC are they?”   

Michael Gove describes the sound of a tank to Prime Minister David Cameron.

WORLD NEWS ROUND UP

·         Al Gore misunderstands the film ‘Sharknado’ – The former vice-president has already spent millions of dollars raising awareness of all the poorly-conceived natural disasters that will occur as a result of global warming (including Tara Reid - though she is only partly natural). His decision to embark on another crusade is said to have nothing to do with the fact that his wife wants him out of the house.

·         Francois Hollande attempts to shag his way to popularity – The ever unpopular French president is determined to have as many extra-marital affairs as it will take for the French to finally accept him. Former Italian Prime Minister, Sylvio Berclusconi, is said to have wished him "the best of luck on his noble quest'.

·         FIFA President Sepp Blatter expresses 'mild irritation' at latest Qatar World Cup atrocity – News of more South-Asian workers plunging to their deaths in medieval working conditions is said to have caused the FIFA President to pause momentarily before eating his sandwich. He then left the room with a Qatari delegate before returning ten minutes later, wearing a 24-carat gold hat and a look of contentment.

·         Kim Jong-Un keen to appear on reality television – The portly Pyongyang premier is said to want to show his softer side to the public following the recent executions of his close friends and family. MTV are keen to strike a deal to make a show, based loosely on tried-and-tested formats like 'The Osbornes'. 

·         Nine year old child prodigy in Beijing learns ‘Mein Kampf’ off by heart – His parents regret not being able to read English and buying a book they thought was about Charlie Chaplin. They realised the mistake after listening to the boy recite the entire volume and deducing that it couldn't have been Chaplin as it 'wasn't that funny'.

Not as funny as you might think.

ENGLAND CRICKET COACH ANDY FLOWER PUNCHES KEVIN PIETERSEN

Following one of the worst Ashes tours in history, things only seem to be getting worse for the England cricket team. In the latest chapter to the seemingly interminable saga, a long overdue bust-up between England coach Andy Flower and premier batsman Kevin Pietersen has finally resulted in the two men coming to blows.

The incident is said to have happened as the squad and management met for a debrief following the last defeat at Sydney. Those present said it wasn’t long before Flower and Pietersen were at each other’s throats.

“Who do you think you are? You look like Robbie Williams from the year 2000!” said a furious Andy Flower.
“At least I don’t look like the white-power leader from American History X!” replied Pietersen, spitting with rage, “Every time you talk it’s like listening to a serial killer’s confession you creepy twat!”

The England coach bit back, “Fuck you pal, at least I’m not married to the mannish one from Liberty X. How much is your wife benching these days?” Flower turned and gleefully high-fived David Saker.
“At least I can get a wife! Your cleft-lip makes you look like a kid from an Oxfam poster!” shouted Pietersen.
“Oh why don’t you go back to South Africa, no wait! It’s because they all hate you!” said Flower stepping towards KP.
“Oh why don’t you go back to your farm in Zim, no wait! It’s because Mugabe took it!” Pietersen laughed and looked to high-five a member of the team but was snubbed by all.

For Flower, the farm-jibe was the last straw, and he strode up to Pietersen and punched him square on the nose. The sight of Pietersen’s blood was said to have made Joe Root cry, but the England No. 3 has denied the allegation. 

Despite being a better batsman, Pietersen's 'Dr. Evil' was really shit.

PUTIN FAVOURITE FOR GOLD AT EVERY SINGLE EVENT AT SOCHI 2014

Russian bookmakers have announced today that Vladimir Putin is the favourite for every single event at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. Despite not entering any of them, bookmakers still feel that the Russian President and despotic hall-of-famer is a shoe-in for all the events at the 22^nd Winter Olympics, with the lowest odds being offered for the four-man bobsleigh, which Putin is known to be a dab hand at.

“He is such great athlete,” said bookmaker Mikhail Kutminekov, prodded slightly by the Kalashnikov rifle in his back, “And such an inspirational man… who is so handsome and strong… and definitely not a Machiavellian despot… can I see my family now?”

Across the globe the news has been met with a mixed reaction from athletes and officials alike. British downhill skier Shemmy Polpott has expressed particular concern, stating at a press conference that her whole game plan may have to change:

“The whole thing changes now. I thought the lead contender would be a 24 year-old Austrian woman with a pink-blush pretty face but unerringly large thighs, but instead it’s a 61 year-old balding Russian man, who likes targeted assassinations and geo-political blackmail. Totally different ball game.”

Surprisingly, news was poorly received in one country not normally associated with the Winter Olympics. Bookmakers in India were said to be extremely upset at the revelations from Russia, declaring that it is completely unfair that they will now be unable to fix the outcome of any of the events in Sochi 2014.

“I don’t believe it!” said Bangalore bookmaker Rajesh Bakshish, impersonating his favourite TV character, “How can we compete? I didn’t know Putin was so good at everything! Though once I saw him ride a horse whilst shirtless and shoot a rifle one-handed. It was pretty fucking cool.”

Training the only way he knows how: by hunting dissidents 'n' Chechens.

NIGELLA’S DECISION TO RE-LOCATE TO THE US HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ITS PROXIMITY TO COLUMBIA

Nigella Lawson’s publicist, Henrietta Cheval-Bouche, issued a statement on behalf of the recently disgraced TV chef, explaining in full her recent decision to abandon her home country for a re-launch in the US.

“It’s just about business,” said Cheval-Bouche, after her seventh toilet break in an hour, “We have always wanted to crack the US market and the time for doing it is now. It’s nothing to do with the fact that the US is four thousand miles closer to the world’s largest cocaine producing nation. Nothing at all.”

Cheval-Bouche went on to explain that the frequent shuttle flights that Ms Lawson has made from New York to Bogota were because she was arranging a menu for a Columbian orphanage; and that the itinerary of her up-coming book tour which takes her to Mexico, Bolivia, Columbia, Peru, back to Columbia, then to Peru again, was purely driven by business concerns.

Following the revelations made by Ms Lawson during her time as a witness in the recent Saatchi trial, she has been quick to take flight and re-invent herself across the pond. This move has left many UK fans puzzled, who feel that the domestic goddess is still widely revered in her home country.

“Oh we just love her!” said a Nigella Fan Club member, “I don’t care if she has floated along on the trappings of privilege. Or if she admitted to taking class-A drugs in court and got away with it. Or if she’s a Marie-Antionette wannabe on Twitter. Hang on a minute…”

Channel 4 are among those still pleased as mustard with the chalk-faced, girdle-stretching TV Chef; with her new show set to debut to UK screens this week. “We think that everyone who deserves to be behind bars, also deserves to be on the telly!” said a Channel 4 Commissioning editor, spying on a local brothel, “We’ve got a new show for Rolph Harris coming this year, and a weekly video blog from that one-eyed bloke that killed those Policewomen!”

Introducing the latest panel addition to Channel Four's '8 out of 10 Cats'.

ROMANIAN GOVERNMENT DISAPPOINTED WITH NUMBERS OF UK IMMIGRANTS

A Romanian government official said that the country was ‘disappointed’ with the number of immigrants from the UK, following the eastern European country’s recent accession to the EU. Right-wing newspapers in Bucharest had stoked-up fears that joining the EU would mean an influx of marauding hoards of alcohol-fuelled British criminals. Business owners across the country were advised to take out extra damage insurance and millions of Euros were pumped into the nation's Police force, ensuring a presence at every single outlet in the country that sold alcohol. But, as 2014 was chimed in across Romania, the shirtless masses of British failed to turn up.

“We were very surprised,” said a smiling Border Control Officer, “It was a nice surprise. When the Czechs joined the EU, we heard the whole airport in Prague stunk of vomit within 24 hours.  We ordered thousands of gallons of something called Cillit Bang, so we were ready.”

A collective sigh of relief was felt across the nation, with many now criticising the newspapers and media outlets which fuelled the irrational fears in the first place.

“Things had got completely out of hand,” said Bucharest resident Georghe Onelescu, “They were showing us pictures of British people as demons and monsters! As if they were coming here to terrorise us! And they kept talking about people from somewhere called ‘Essex’, but we know that to be a lie now, no one really acts like that.”

A spokesman from the Romanian Chamber of Commerce went further; expressing real disappointment at the lack of UK immigration. “UK immigrants are good for business! They get drunk and then spend their money on anything! Anything! Our export sector needs a boost, have you tried Romanian Champagne?”

The spokesman went on to say that the only recorded entrants into Romania from the UK was a stag party of eight men from Dudley, all of whom had taken a budget airline flight to Bucharest thinking it was Prague.

Prague Airport arrivals lounge, May 2004.